School Days
by Khaleesi Khupcakes
Summary: The Rocky people in second grade. Set in 2010...Wise up 7year old Janet Weiss...
1. Meet the teacher

**School Days. A Rocky Horror fanfic.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Rocky Horror. Or a second grade class.**

**I got this idea of writing about the Rocky people as little kids from eddiesxgirl, Great job! **

**Let the corn begin...**

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**"Brad?"

"Here." says a little boy, he is sitting next to a mousy-looking girl with a pink dress on.

"Columbia?"

"Heeeeere!" screeches a tiny girl who is sliding off her seat.

"Magenta?"

"He-or." moans a girl with puffy hair, she caresses her hair and goes back to scribbling in her diary,

"RiffRaff?" The names these people give their children...

"Ha ha ha. I'm here." This kid has stringy blonde hair that covers his eyes and half of his little face.

"Eddie?"

No answer.

"Eddie?" The fat little boy with curly black hair puts up his pudgy hand,

"Hey hey hey."

"Good, okay, um, Frank? Is Frank here?" The kids look around, and suddenly a little boy in a blue sarong prances into the room.

"You're late." humphs Janet.

"Fashionably late. Who might you be?" He stares at me like a freak.

"Ms Collins."

"What a lovely last name."

"Why thank you, now please take your seat. Just sit down next to RiffRaff here." The Janet kid skips from her seat and places a shiny red apple on my desk.

"Here you go, Ms Collins. My mommy says that second grade is going to be my best year. It was her best year. She got all A's on her report card!" Frank obviously thinks kissing up to me seems smart, so he digs through his lunch pail and pulls out half a baloney sandwich and slams it onto the curriculum.

"For you, Ms Collins. My mommy made it herself!" Janet takes one look at the sandwich and wrinkles her nose,

"Yuck, it's puce."

"It's healthy. Apples with rot your teeth right out of your face!" Frank pokes one of his teeth, "I have nice teeth." Janet fluffs her hair and skips back to her desk. Frank follows.

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We work on adding for a little while, then we have a water and bathroom break. Columbia, (who has been holding the front of her skirt for the past hour,) rushes into the bathroom, while Frank and RiffRaff take to the water fountain.

"One crocodile, Two crocodiles-" RiffRaff taps Frank's shoulder with his finger,

"BLOOJGCKZAGKZWA!" Frank screams in his little friend's face, water spraying out of his mouth at obscene angles.

"What did you just say?"

"BOOJAGAGSHZWA!"

"Swallow!"

"I'M NOT DONE!"

"Then finish!"

"NO! ONE DAY, YOU'RE GONNA WORK FOR ME! MY MOMMY SAYS I'M THE BEST KID IN THE WORLD!" RiffRaff chuckles like only a kid can,

"Your mommy's dumb then." Frank turns red and jumps on his friend,

"TAKE IT BACK! NOW! TAKE IT BACK!"

"EEEE! I TAKE IT BACK, JUST GET OFF ME!" Magenta and Janet intervene,

"Frankie,"

"Just Frank, please, Janet..."

"Will you tell this vampire here that she can't have any of my blood?"

"Magenta isn't a vampire, she's my friend. When we were little, we taked baths together."

"EWWW! THAT'S PERVERTED!"

"My mommy just had a baby. It's cute. It's really fat, and sometimes I throw it onto my bed, and it just lies there and boings." This wins Janet over,

"A LITTLE BABY? WHAT'S IT'S NAME?"

"I call it Nutty Nut Ball. But my mommy calls it Joanne. That's not a real name, though."

"Why in the world would you call your baby sister Nutty Nut Ball? That's no name to give a baby!"

"YES IT IS TOO!"

"IS NOT!"

"IS TOO!"

"IS NOT IS NOT IS NOT!"

"IS TOO IS TOO IS TOO!" Eddie butts in on their dispute.

"You PEEVE ME!" This _really _sets Frank off...

"YOU DIRTY PIECE OF POO!"

"WHORE!" Frank goes silent...

"What's that mean?"

"A bad lady."


	2. Round the Bend Farm

**School Days. A Rocky Horror fanfic.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Rocky Horror. Or a second grade class. And about the Lady Gaga references, this fic is set in 2010. Just to tell you...  
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I got the forms for the beginning-of-school-trip yesterday. We're going to a farm. So today I give them to Janet to pass out. As soon as Frank gets his forms he screeches,

"OH MY GOD! WE'RE GOING TO A FARM! TO SEE KITTIES!" Eddie shuts him up by saying,

"Are you only going to the farm to see cats? You're stupid. I wanna see gooses. They can bite a hole in your head." Frank scoots away in his chair.

"Are the gooses gonna bite me?"

"Only if you're scared. If you like them, they're nice to you." Frank runs up to my desk and asks,

"Eddie said the gooses are gonna bite me, is he telling the truth?" I have the answer for his question, but of course I don't tell him the whole answer, which is, Eddie is full of it and geese are nice little birds, but if you get too close they can really take a chunk out of you.

"Y'know what, Frank, the farm doesn't have any geese. And a lot of kitties." I lie. "They have a gift shop, too." Frank's face lights up like Vegas, and if I know kids, I know they have very short-term memory.

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We drive to the farm on a school bus, the bus company is called 'The Magic Bus Line', **(A/N, when I was in second/third/fourth grade, we took Magic Buses for trips.) **The driver is an angry-looking dude with a nose the exact size, shape and colour of a radish. He takes one look at Frank's pink sarong and says,

"Hey, kid, you do realize you're wearing girl's clothes, right?" Frank replies,

"You are the rudest man I have ever met. You won't be getting a very big tip." The man opens his mouth, dousing Frank in a cloud of salami-scented vapour.

"Ya don't tip da bus driva'." Frank rubs his nose,

"Ever heard of Certs?" the driver turns red, his face blending in with his nose,

"Don't get cocky, kid." Frank runs down the aisle and cowers in the back next to Magenta. The driver stares at my shirt, "You work out?"

"Of course not. I teach 7year olds the Alphabet." That's when I hear the screams...

Riff-Raff and Columbia are completely _mauling _poor little Janet. And Frank is cheering them on!

"GIVVIT TO HER!" he's screaming from his seat. Brad is rubbing his face in his shirt.

"STOP KILLING MY WIFE!" Brad squeals. Well _that _stops Frank's cheering.

"HOW _LOVELY_!" He screams. "But don't you have to grow up first?"

* * *

We get to the farm and Frank finds a cat. A tabby kitten riding a dog.

"WHAT A MUFFIN!" He rushes straight at it. An oldish-looking chick in overalls pats Frank's head, which his darling parents have shielded from the sizzling sun with a hat shaped like a wheel of mouldy cheese.

"That's Itchee." says the woman, "I'm Farmer Flores."

"I'm Francois Noland Furter. I'm 7. That means I was a baby 7 years ago. I'm good at my 1,2,3s. I had a dream Lady GaGa was eating cheese in my closet!"

"Well, Francois, you have a nice imagination. And that means you could make a very good farmer."

"Really? I like farmers. You're the only one I've ever met and I like you."

"Well, ain't you sweet."

"I know. Ain't I.


	3. Bluffin' with his Muffin3

**School Days. A Rocky Horror fanfic.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Rocky Horror. Or a second grade class. And about the Lady Gaga references, this fic is set in 2010. Just to tell you..., Oh and part of this chapter was an idea nicolagirl came up with. The girl, and Bieber, and that kinda thing...  
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Finally. Halloween. The day when all the kids come to school dressed as sheet ghosts and princesses. Of course, that's not the case with _my _class. Let me list the costumes.

Janet came to school dressed as Marylin Monroe.

Brad came to school as Finn from Glee.

Columbia came as a banana in a pink prom dress.

Magenta came as Magenta The Dog from Blue's Clues.

Eddie came as a sheet ghost. with a fez.

RiffRaff dressed up as a rotten egg.

And Frank went as Lady GaGa.

The first thing Frank said when he arrived at his desk was,

"LOOK OUT, KIDS, FRANKIE'S BLUFFIN' WITH HIS MUFFIN!" Loud enough for everyone on the first floor of the school to hear. I put an end to it before it got out of hand...

"Okay, kids, get out your snacks for snacktime!" The kids ran screaming to their bags. RiffRaff got out a slimy piece of chocolate cake. So did Magenta. Frank got out a bag of Cheez Curlz and broccoli and mints, all in the same bag, Eddie had an apple with a bunch of almonds sticking in it, Brad had a chocolate banana muffin, Columbia punched him and called him a cannibal. She had a candy cane, Janet had a Blondie. The kids are halfway to their desks when Principal Coleman calls from the office on the PA,

"Aziesikah?" The kids giggle,

"Yes?"

"Oh, there you are, I thought it was that Frank boy who answered the last PA calls while you were in the washroom. He told me to 'hustle my butt on down to the gas station and get a carton of whipped cream and flood the school with it'. Well, I called to tell you that you have two new students joining your class today. Lisa, Brian and Patricia Blume. They're fraternal triplets." Oh damn, 3 new kids, one open desk, one Francois Noland Furter, one Janet Weiss-one-woman-welcoming-commitee, one banana in a chiffon gown on a sugar high. These kids are gonna be scarred for life.

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The second Frank sees Patricia he runs up to Brian and starts to sing a mildly censored version of Ceelo's 'F- You'.

"I SEE YA SKIP ROUND SCHOOL WITH THE CHICK I LOVE, AND I'M LIKE 'SCREW YOU'!" Brian turns white as Frankie GaGa screams at him,

"FRANK, YOU STOP THAT NOW!" Janet screams before I can do anything,

"AND I'M LIKE, 'SCREW YOU'!" He finally stops when I smack a ruler against the blackboard and put on my best strict teacher act,

"Francois! You take a seat right now! I'm very sorry, Brian, Frank likes to sing." Frank sticks his tongue out at Brian and caresses one of his bubbles at Patricia as he takes his seat.

At playtime, Frank goes up to Patricia,

"Hey, you're pretty."

"Hee hee, so are you! But boys don't wear dresses, I love Justin Bieber! Do you?"

"I never meeted him..."

"He's a singer!"

"Oh... I only know girl singers, not boy singers. I know Lady GaGa and Rihanna, and I love Ke$ha! And I also like Selena Gomez and Miley Cyrus, but my favourite is Lady GaGa! See, I'm wearing her dress! I'm Frank."

"I'm Patty. But Father Donald calls me 'Little Sister'. And my mommy calls me 'Princess'."

"MY MOMMY CALLS ME THAT TOO!" Patricia smiles, nods, and runs away to hide behind Magenta in her dog costume. Frank turns red and runs over to me,

"Miss Collins? I need a _ice-axe_!"

"Why would you say something like that, young man?"

"I need to get rid of Justin Bieber. He stoled Patricia."

"Honey, you can't kill Justin Bieber. Killing is wrong." Well, Frank doesn't care if it's wrong, because he goes to his desk, and starts drawing a battle plan. I go over to his desk,

"Frank, killing is illegal."

"I don't care."


	4. Frank's Bad Day

**School Days. A Rocky Horror fanfic.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Rocky Horror. Or a second grade class. And about the Lady Gaga references, this fic is set in 2010. Just to tell you..., Oh and part of this chapter was an idea nicolagirl came up with. The girl, and Bieber, and that kinda thing...  
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Francois Noland Furter makes me want to vomit. And I like that kid. The first thing he did today at school was vomit. Virgin. Cheez. Curlz. It was like when you tear the bag and they all fall out. But the worst thing was what he did at lunch...

Patricia was sitting with Columbia and talking about how apparently RiffRaff's name is actually Randall, (The principal told me yesterday.) when Frank came over to them and said,

"Scootch over, Cole. Patricia and me are gonna do something yucky."

"Who's Cole?" Patricia screamed, "IS IT YOUR GHOST FRIEND?"

"No, baby, it's Columbia's last name."

"I'm not a baby." says Patricia. "My mommy says I'm a big girl."

"Yeah, sure." With that, Frank takes Patricia by the face and _kisses _her.

"OH MY CHRIST!" I run over, "FRANK, YOU ARE IN SO MUCH TROUBLE!" Patricia starts to scream,

"I LOVE HER! I LOVE HER!" I grab Frank's hand and pull him into the hall,

"THAT WAS BEYOND INAPPROPRIATE!"

"Don't care."

"Do you know who does that?"

"Hoochy-Hoes?"

"Frank, you are going to go right back into the classroom and apologize to Columbia and Patricia, then you will march yourself down to the office and tell Mrs Ratishki what you did."

"You mean the scary secretary? No way! She scares the Cheez Curlz outta me!"

"Mrs Ratishki is not going to hurt you."

"She pinched Brad's cheeks when we were taking the attendance down to the office. He said it hurted."

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The next morning, Frank is nowhere to be seen. I can only find him when I hear him say from under Eddie's desk,

"I moved to Chinese. I wanna eat a green chip or something and die." He lies on the ground and screeches dramatically, clawing at Magenta's ankles,

"Back off of my chick!" RiffRaff yells at him,

"SHUTTUP RANDY!" RiffRaff flings himself out of his chair. I catch him by the suspenders in mid-leap.

"BOYS! STOP FIGHTING! PAY ATTENTION, I'M TRYING TO TEACH MATH HERE!" All the kids gasp and stare at me. "Oh damn."


	5. The Wilderness of the AlleyMoth Wings

**School Days. A Rocky Horror fanfic.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Rocky Horror. Or a second grade class. And about the Lady Gaga references, this fic is set in 2010. Just to tell you..., Oh and part of these chapters are an idea nicolagirl came up with. The girl, and Bieber, and that kinda thing... This time, it's the weekend from Brad's POV!  
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Today, me and my friends from school are gonna go play in the alley behind Magenta and Randall's house, but not Patricia, Brian and Lisa. They went camping. Me and Janet went by ourselves. and we were the last ones there.

"What taked you so long?" Said Frank. He was eating a stick. Magenta was picking her nose.

"Can we get started?" said Columbia, "I have to be home for dinner."

"Okay." said Frank. He getted up on a rock in Magenta and Randall's backyard. "The plan is, we play around in the allies until the sky gets all red, then we walk each other home."

"That sounds cool." said Eddie. "I'll lead you guys, I know these allies like the back of my hand." Eddie started to walk down the alley...

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We walk a little more and then Magenta starts to cry. Frank takes off his jacket and puts it on her.

"Eddie, the sky looks red. I wanna go home!" says Columbia.

"I don't know where we are! Let's turn back." says Randall.

"We can't!" says Eddie, "I can't remember how we got here!" I put my arm around Janet because she's shivering. She really should have weared a jacket. Magenta sits down on the pavement and starts crying harder.

"RANDALL TAKE ME HOME!"

"I can't!"

"HEY, you guys, look," says Frank, "We can sleep in here tonight." he points to a garage.

"No, I'm scared of the dark." says Columbia.

"We all are." says Janet.

"Oh." says Frank.

"Whatever." says Randall, "My bedtime on weekends in 9:00. We might as well sit here for a while."

"I know!" says Frank, "How about the girls stay here, and us boys go look for food! We can pretend like we're Indians if you want to." We all nod.

"We want to." says Columbia. Then she says, "OH NO!"

"What's wrong?" says Frank,

"A pickup truck, my Mommy said never to get too close. Because people can steal you." Magenta starts to cry even harder,

"Girls, protect Magenta." says Frank. "Here," he takes his backpack off, "I have a book, raisins, a cookie, Cheez Curlz and a flashlight in here. Also my MP3 player." Columbia stands up.

"Frank, I'm scared." I don't notice it at first, but Frank has tears in his eyes,

"It's okay." And then he kisses her cheek. She starts to cry. Magenta lies down next to a lawn mower. Janet pets her hair.

"Come on, Brad." says Randall. And then Columbia closes the door. Frank stares at the door. Suddenly, he doesn't seem so weird.

"I don't want to leave Magenta. She's supposed to be in first grade, but the teacher skipped her. She hasn't even turned 7 yet, and she's really little, littler than all the other girls. What if she dies?" We all start to walk. And I think Eddie's crying, too. Randall whispers in my ear,

"How's Magenta gonna get to sleep? Our Mommy always reads us bedtime stories, she can't sleep without them." He turns around, "Hey, you guys, I think we should go back to the garage with the girls, just to tell Magenta a bedtime story." Frank is the first one to turn around, and he starts to run back, we all follow him.

"Oh, hey guys." says Columbia when we knock on the door, "Magenta says she can't sleep." Magenta is lying down on one of those things you put on a backyard pool in the winter, sucking her thumb. Janet is still petting her hair. Frank sits down next to Magenta and opens the book from his bag. A speller. He puts it back in.

"How 'bout you just make one up?" says Columbia.

"Okay," says Frank, "Hey Magenta." Magenta looks up, Frank takes her hand, "Once upon a time, there was a town were everybody had pretty butterfly wings, even the animals. But there was one little boy, and his name was, uh, Mikey, and, um, he had fuzzy brown moth wings. And there was an Ice Cream store in the town, but you could only buy Ice Cream if you had butterfly wings. But Mikey wanted Ice Cream really badly, so one day, he went into the store, and stood up on a table and said, 'I should be able to buy Ice Cream, and you shouldn't not let me buy Ice Cream just because I have moth wings'! And then the people saw that his moth wings were actually really pretty, so they let him buy Ice Cream, and what that story is all about, is, that it doesn't matter what you look like or what you think, because everyone is equal, and everyone should be able to get their Ice Cream."

"I like that story." says Magenta. "Do you know one about a princess?"

"Sorry, no." says Frank. "But you should go to sleep now."

"Okay." Magenta closes her eyes, and in a few seconds she falls asleep. Eddie picks her up and puts her on pile of jackets.

"We're lucky this garage has a hardwood floor." says Randall. "Magenta is afraid to sleep on the ground." Frank grabs my hand and pulls me behind the lawnmower,

"Brad, I never telled anybody this before, but, I like everyone in the class."

"You mean, _love_?"

"Uh huh. Even you. My Mommy says the time will come when I know what kind of person I really like, but my Mommy told me that it's okay."

"So, you're bisexual?"

"What does that mean?"

"It means you like boys _and _girls."

"Then, I guess I am..." Then Columbia screams. "What does she want?" We go over to investigate. Like spies... Columbia waked Magenta up.

"Columbia! Why'd you scream?" says Eddie.

"Ssh! Somebody's coming! Everyone pick your stuff up and get ready to run! We all pick our stuff up and get ready. Magenta rubs her eyes. She has really little hands. The door opens up and someone looks in...

"WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH YOU, YA LITTLE TRAMPS?"

"RUN!" Shouts Frank. And we all run away! The man who opened the garage starts chasing after us. It's dark out, so Magenta starts crying again. She stops running, so Randall grabs her. We hide behind another garage.

"Okay, new plan, we walk to my house." says Frank.

"But your house is on Jonathan Road, that's like a half an hour away if we walk, and anyway, I'm not allowed to go on Jonathan Road." says Janet, "You guys want to hear a story?" We all nod. "Okay," says Janet. Randall interrupts,

"I don't think Magenta can hear it."

"It's okay, it happened a long time ago, and we can protect her. Okay, so, it's called Jonathan Road, because of this little boy who lived there. His name was Jonathan Knight, and one night, he went outside to his backyard to hunt for racoons, when he heard a funny noise, _skritch, skritch,_ and it was coming from the bushes! He went into the bushes, and in the bush, was a little girl, and she said, "Hello, Jonathan, we've been waiting for you'. And Jonathan thought this was weird, but he followed her as she walked away. She led him to the forest and-"

"Stop! You're scaring Magenta!" says Columbia.

"Oh, well, in short, Jonathan Knight is haunting Jonathan Road and he comes out at night to stalk people and eat them." says Janet. "But don't worry, he only does it to people when they're alone."

"Yeah, whatever, let's go." says Frank.

... 30 Minutes Later...

We get to Frank's house but the door is locked.

"My mommy should be home!" says Frank. He sits down on the porch stairs, "MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY!"

"That isn't gonna work." says Randall, "We sh-" Frank interrupts him,

"I'm gonna eat this." He has a piece of poison ivy in his hand, "If it looks like lettuce, it's food. I haven't eaten anything since I ate that stick at Magenta and Randall's house."

"EW!" screams Magenta, "You finished that?"

"You eat boogers."

"They actually _taste _like food! And you eat all kinds of weird things! Last week, you tried to eat a binder!"

"Paper is nutritious and delicious."

"That's not the point." says Randall. "I said, we should go to Columbia's house, it's on Preston Drive. That's the next street!" We all jump up at the same time and say yay.

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When we finally get to Columbia's house,, Columbia's mom actually lets us in,

"Hey kids, I'm Kaycee Cole."

"I'm Francois Noland Furter." says Frank, "And I DEMAND to be taken to my Mommy. Queen Lavender Roxy Angeline Alexa Laverne Petra Alice Mavis Kimberly Furter."

"Hee hee, you're kinda cute, Your mom went over to Pine Road. I can drive you there if ya want."

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The next morning, I waked up at Janet's house. And I was in trouble with my Mommy.


	6. Babysitting and the Funny Food Party

**School Days. A Rocky Horror fanfic.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Rocky Horror. Or a second grade class. And about the Lady Gaga references, this fic is set in 2010. Just to tell you..., Oh and part of these chapters are an idea nicolagirl came up with. The girl, and Bieber, and that kinda thing... Teacher's POV.  
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It's Tuesday. I hate Tuesdays. This morning I got up to the sound of barking dogs, my roommate Alicia let the dog out too early again. You might be thinking, Aziesikah, you're 22 years old and still live with your roommate, you need a boyfriend. Well, I have one, his name is Donald. And right now he's in Taiwan, for his cousin's wedding. So I got to the school today, broke up a fight between two vicious 4th grade girls, and when I got into the classroom, I found a roach.

So the kids come in from recess, and Frank has a thing of strawberry sauce. Not a surprise. That kid is always bringing little presents to hand in instead of his homework. But when I turned around from the blackboard, about a quarter of Magenta's hair is missing.

"Kids, what happened to Magenta's hair? Why does it look smaller?" Of course, Magenta is passed out completely on her desk. Frank opens his mouth and out floats a little tumbleweed of auburn curls, complete with a few drops of Strawberry goo. Then, in my lethargic lightheadedness of sleep deprivation, it dawns on me. Frank has been eating Magenta's hair.

"STAND UP, FRANK." He stands up. "Would you like to explain why you were eating Magenta's hair, young man?"

"I was hungry, I skipped breakfast!"

"Maybe you'd like to go down to the office and tell that to Mrs Ratishki!"

"BUT SHE'S CREAKY!"

"What?"

"Creepy and freaky. Creaky." Frank pulls a piece of cardboard out of his desk and bites into it, tearing a bit off. "You should try this. It's delicious." I don't know why I'm not going to send Frank to the office...

"Okay, Furter, wanna eat weird things?"

"Yesssss..." says Frank with his glazed eyes.

"Okay, kids, we're gonna have a Funny Food Party." They all cheer except Brad and Janet.

"That sounds utterly repulsive. Even though I don't know what that means." says Janet.

"Then you don't have to participate." I say back.

"Fine. I'll watch Francois and Edward poison themselves."

"Janet, you're 7 years old, you can't be a health freak while you're under the age of 10, it just can't happen."

"Fine, I'll eat two things only." says Janet.

"Good." I say. "You can start by telling Mrs Ratishki that I'm going to take all of you to the supermarket."

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I gave each kid 70 dollars. Frank didn't actually buy any _food_, just makeup. When we got back to the school, I set up little stands where the kids could taste new things. I caught Frank stealing a few eggs and picking the shells off and gobbling them madly. Janet is sitting behind the fish stand and cringing. Magenta has brushed her puffy hair into a combover to hide the gap Frank ate. Eddie has bitten the doorknob off the door in a feeding frenzy. I didn't know Randall was a biter until Columbia stuck her finger in an egg yolk and dangled it in his face.

A few minutes pass and the craziness increases. Frank starts drawing faces on grains of rice in eyeliner, Magenta eats her way across the room, without ever closing her mouth until she reaches the blackboard, Columbia downs a whole tube of Frank's lip gloss, which I have to say, tasted nice, Randall savages an okonomiyaki with cheese and bacon, Brad eats the heel off of one of Frank's shoes, Eddie chases _other children _around the room, trying to eat them, and even Janet starts to eat those little dried up fish things you can find in some Chinese Fish stores.

By the time each kid has worn themselves out with the exception of Frank, (who's still ramming around, gnashing his teeth), school is over. Tonight I'm babysitting for some woman named Lavender Ashton.

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I get to Lavender's house at 3:30, and who should answer the door but Frank.

"Shmola. Aziesikah. What brings you here on such a fine Tuesday afternoon?"

"I'm babysitting here. Is your mom Lavender?"

"Depends who's asking..."

"Me."

"Okay... yeah, my Mommy's Lavender..." Frank backs away, never taking his eyes off me. Those things are like big giant green basketballs in his face... He backs down a hallway almost...instinctively?, like he does this with all the other babysitters... and leads me into a pink living room where a short skinny woman with spazzy black hair is holding an obese baby in a teeny little gown thing. She doesn't pay attention until Frank screams,

"MOMMY, MY TEACHER'S HERE, SHE WANTS TO BABYSIT!" Lavender stands up and almost falls over backwards,

"Oh my God, Frank, my little Spice-Melon, don't scream at Mommy when she has her hearing aid in!"

"Oops."

"Oh hi! You must be Aziesikah Collins! I'm Lavender Ashton! I know what your thinking, my last name should be Furter, but I'll tell you now, Sweet-Cheeks, I'm very liberated."

"SO AM ME!" Screeches Frank from behind her. The baby starts to make weird squeaking sounds,

"Uh, Mrs Ashton, is Joanne okay?" I say,

"Oh, that sound she's making? That's her Startle Defense. Frank has one too, but it's kind of just lying down and either doing The Worm or kicking his legs up at your face. He does it with my husband Alexis all the time when the word 'Crayon' is mentioned. You see," She whispers in my ear, "Frank likes to hoard crayons, he'll hide them anywhere, our family is very big on our crayon collection, we got on Ellen because of our family's extensive crayon exhibition at some County Fair my cousin organized in Florida, I thought Little Frankie was going to explode. But I'm pretty sure he's okay now, and I apologize for my display of rage just now, Frank sometimes forgets that he isn't supposed to shout when I have my hearing aid in. I had scarlet fever 2 years ago, when my little muffin was in Kindergarten...(**A/N, I'm Canadian, the kids in Canada have 2 years of Kindergarten. Junior and Senior...) **It took a while for Frank to adjust to me screaming and mistakenly ignoring him... And if Frank is talking quite a bit about," Lavender looks around and whispers, "_Sex..._ It's because his cousin Arlene-Jenna watches... _those_ movies... and he walked in on her once, Alexis and I have been attempting to erase the memory from his mind to no avail since he was three, when the disaster happened. Both of my children are very sensitive about their toes, so don't try to touch them or anything... And Frank has to take a bath tonight, and in this family we have a rule that our children wear a wetsuit in the bath in the event of a babysitter, for safety reasons, oh, and do not try to clean his toes, as I told you before, my kids are sensitive, And if you have any further questions," She holds out a 4-paged-list of rules, "Consult the Instruction Sheet." Lavender puts on a fluffy pink cardigan, "BUH-BYE KIDLETS! I'LL SEE YOU LITTLE MUFFINS IN THE MORNING!"

"Bye Mommy." moans Frank from under a pile of building blocks.

"Zippa." says Joanne. Lavender waves one last time and hops out the door, into her car and drives away. When she's completely out of earshot Frank screams "YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO, NUTTY-NUT-BALL!" Joanne crawls over to the couch and pulls out a thing of chips and tears it open. The kids dig in. I read the label 'SALT-LESS KETCHUP CHIPS. FAT FREE.' That's okay for them... I sit down on the couch next to Frank and crack open the rulebook.

"I'll explain that thing." says Frank. "The first two pages are the rules Mommy wants _me and Nutty-Nut-Ball_ to follow, and the other ones are the ones she wants _you _to follow." And this is what the list says...

_Dear Aziesikah, Welcome! Here is the code of conduct for my home. These are the rules I expect my children Francois Noland and Joannikah-Annora Alice to follow, the last two pages state the rules I expect you to follow._

_1) Frank's bedtime is 8:30 sharp. Joanne's is 7:00_

_2) My children are very fair-skinned and must wear spf 50 zinc sunscreen outside._

_3) Both of my kids are absolutely terrified of the dark, and when they go to sleep, it is a necessity that they sleep with all visible lights burning. You may turn the lights off after the children are both sleeping._

_4)-_

I am interrupted by Frank careening down the stairs in a ball of comforters, pillows, duvets and a whole bunch of sleepwear on a mattress. The mattress stops halfway down the stairs, tossing Frank across the room, sheets and all. He hits the wall and slides down like in a cartoon.

"Hey... baby-sitter giblet?"

"Yes, Frank? Are you okay?"

"I'm okay, but I accidentally spatted."

"Spatted?"

"Maked a spit. My spit was orange with blue chunks in it and it smells like a fish."

"OH SHIT!"

"YOU SAID A CURSE!"

"I KNOW I SAID A CURSE, FRANK!"

"Did you even _read_ the instructions?" I look down, _4) Frank becomes riotously seasick as easily as just leaving the ground or changing altitudes, and that is why he may use his grandmother's stair lift at bedtime. When he does become queasy, just let him vomit in the main floor bathroom. If he misses, I have a spray bottle of vomit absorbent in the kitchen, it works on fur and upholstery as well as all other surfaces in my home as well as my children as it is non-toxic. _

Frank vomits noisily on Nutty-Nut-Ball as she screams and I spray her.

"Stop barfing, Frank."

"I CAN'T- BLAH- STOP!" And then he stops... "Omigod, I stopped!"

"Good." I say. "You guys wanna watch a movie?"

"Read the manual." says Frank.

_5) My children are allowed to watch G-rated movies in our Television Room. But when Frank watches TV he has to be eating a half a peanut butter sandwich with blue peanut butter (dyed with food colouring.) pointing South, or he will become quite sick again. Joanne has to wear a bow in her hair while watching TV or she will throw a hissy fit. _

"HISSSSSSSSSSSSSS!" says Joanne.

"Stuff it, Nut-Ball." says Frank.


	7. A story of nails,implants and urination

**School Days.**

**I don't own Rocky Horror, oh God, stop asking... Teacher's POV. This is second grade. Brad is allowed to believe in cooties.**

* * *

Another Thursday, the kids have been acting all boring all week, which ended with Frank holding his dessert (a raw Key Lime with a pink crazy straw impaled through it), and sobbing.

"Frank? Are you okay?" He looks up at me with his abnormally gigantic eyes,

"Itsa tiny lime!" He tosses himself to the ground and wails, by now the entire class is somehow 'finished their lunch' and has come to stare.

"I know, those kinds of limes are tiny..."

"IT GOTSA BIRTH DEFECT!"

"Frank please stop..." Frank stops crying,

"Gotcha, I bet you and your lumpy butt dinina-spect that!"

"Mrs Ratishki-"

"I'm going..."

* * *

I go up to the office in a few minutes, and I find Mrs Ratishki locking a whining child into a vault full of dirt.

"Collins, you came for your brat."

"Yeeeeesssss?" Frank rolls out of the vault, I recognize him by his yellow chiffon skirt and hot-pink tights with Swiss cheese on them...

* * *

"You have been bad today, Frank."

"Who's Frank?"

"I'm serious, kid."

"My name's not kid, it's Erin, I'm in 4th grade. Frank left earlier, he said his great-aunt was taking him for a manicure... I saw her, she has blue hair." It's a bit disturbing how much this kid looks like Frank... I can't believe Frank is skipping school to get his nails done, actually, it was gonna happen someday...

"Wait here, Erin."

"BUT WE WERE JUST GETTING TO KNOW EACH OTHER!" I start running down the hall, just fast enough to see a boy with fluffy hair and a yellow skirt holding the hand of an elderly woman with aqua blue corn rows.

"FRANCOIS NOLAND FURTER YOU ARE IN HUUUUUGE TROUBLE!" At the sound of my voice, Frank tenses up, looks around, and slaps his hands over his eyes, on his nails is a neon pink manicure,

"HIDE ME, AUNTY LORNA!"

"IT'S ARRITE, FRANKIE, GRAB ONTO MY HAND!"

"I'M ALREADY HOLDING YOUR HAND!" Frank starts to vibrate, he suddenly drops to the ground and just lies there, Lorna loses it,

"MY NEPHEW JUST PASSED OUT! SOMEBODY HELP ME!"

* * *

My boyfriend, Donald, comes home from Taiwan today, his cousin was getting married. I decide to bring the kids to the airport, I don't like the idea of Frank with a supply teacher...

When we get to the airport, Donald gets off the plane with some Chinese chick following him, the kids look depressingly bored,

"Miss Collins, I hafta pee." says Columbia.

"No need to curse!" says Janet, "Just say urinate, please."

"Urinate." peeps Magenta, "The process in which liquid is expelled from the body through the-"

"QUIET, BIOTCH!" screams Eddie, covering his ears, "I DON'T CARE BOUT NO BODEH TALKIN!"

"Stop being such a smeeb." says Patricia, "We all pee." Smeeb?

"Kids, that isn't a topic that we discuss in public." I say, "Now help me look for Donald, he disappeared in the crowd..."

"Maybe he's a playah..." whines Randall in my ear,

"That jerkhole." says Brad, "I'll teach him a thingertoo." He starts punching the air like he's boxing.

"He's probably in the bathroom," says Frank, "UUUUUUUUURINATING..." Columbia skips around,

"PEE POO BARF..." she sings, Randall smiles,

"DIIIIEEE-AAAAAHHHHH-REEEEEE-AAAAAAAHHH!"

"QUIET!" Janet smacks her hands over her ears.

"He's taking a long time..." Says Columbia, "He must have eaten something reeeeaaaally big!"

"LIKE AN ELEPHANT!" says Eddie. "I hear they eat weird things in China..."

"He was in TAIWAN." I explain, "Besides, the bathrooms are pretty far away, right?"

"Nope." says Magenta, "We're standing just 14 feet away from them, see?"

"Maybe he's getting some snacks, sometimes if I don't eat for a long time, I get reeeeaaally hyper, and my daddy has to hold me upside-down until I stop laughing and climbing things." says Frank,

"YES." I yell at Frank, "HE'S GETTING FOOD! THAT'S IT!" Eddie farts, Columbia starts to laugh and roll on the ground.

"Edward, you reek." says Janet, "Maybe you should put a cork-"

"URINATE!" screams Magenta. "Oh hey, there he is, Donald Xiang, age 24, 6"2, of 45 King Street!"

"How do you know all that?" I say,

"Oh, I saw what you wrote on that pink scented paper, teacher, do you have a crush on him? Well, you shouldn't, because he's eating that lady's face. He's a face-eater, gross... I licked my Mommy's foundation once and it tasted icky."

I want to die. That... jerkhole, thank you, Brad... Columbia stands up again,

"KONNICHIWA, FACE-EATER!" she hollers,

"Collie, that's Japanese..." scolds Magenta,

"Well, guess what, I don't KNOW Tai-waynianesanish!"

"Kids, hide in something, I gotta talk to this jerkhole." I walk over to Donald and punch him upside the head,

"Hey, Azzi! Jayma here had gum in her teeth..." Jayma looks at me,

"My implants can sense when people are lying." she says, "My doctor says she put a computer chocolate chip in there. They're telling me your name is Yunchpa and you own a yak farm. In Yalabapple." She peeks down her shirt and pulls out a camera, she takes a picture with her thumb over the lens. "Now your Aunt Burspstshxa will know you've been double-dipping in her urine sauce." Columbia jumps up from behind a suitcase when she hears the word 'urine'. Frank runs up behind me, pantses Donald and runs away faster than I can say 'you little pervert'. Donald covers his orange tighty-whities, tighty-orangies? A little kid points and screams,

"I SEE LONDON I SEE FRANCE-" Her mother covers her mouth,

"Janie, don't talk about people- Oh, you **can** see his underpants..." The kids burst out laughing. Randall and Lisa pop out from behind the luggage carousel, Frank unzips himself from a suitcase, Magenta, Columbia and Brian come out from under the snack stand, Janet hops off a luggage cart, Brad and Eddie put down their newspapers.

"You're a teacher?" exclaims Donald.

"I thought I told you! we're done. Take whatever you picked up in China pack to the club where she belongs."

"Wait, are you breaking up with me?"

"AAAAAUUUUGH YOU ARE SO DENSE!" I start to walk away,

"AND I WAS IN TAIWAN!" he hollers after me.

* * *

When we arrive back at the school, Mrs Ratishki comes out of her office,

"Azisiekah, how was your little trip the airport? Did you ship the brats away to Easter Island to be eaten by lions?" Are there lions on Easter Island?

"I broke up with my boyfriend."

"Ah yes, and I split my pants." replies Mrs Ratishki. Who is wearing a pantsuit with a gaping hole in the back. "Never bend over to flick a child between the eyes, especially a really little one."

"Never flick a child period!"

"Ah, Azisiekah, different methods for different people, I guess..."


	8. Thanksgiving MiniChapter

**School Days. Thanksgiving Mini-Chapter.**

* * *

Aziesikah's POV.

Today I'm asking the kids what they're thankful for, this should be a damn blast. I go into the class to find all the kids hiding, (or at least trying to...) Randall's leg is sticking out from the closet door and Magenta's hair doesn't fit under her chair. Brad just has his hands over his eyes and Lisa is attempting to hide under a mitten. At least I can't see the rest of them, until they all pop out and scream 'SURPRISE!' Frank, of course, is wearing a little turkey costume...

"It's almost Thanksgiving!" screams Janet,

"GOBBLE FRICKIN' GOBBLE BIATCHES!" screams Frank, flapping his arms,

"I made a snack!" Columbia pops out from behind a pile of coats, holding a tray of Ants-On-A-Log.

"And I brung a can of baked beans!" Says Brad, "Very high in fibre..."

"I brung this jelly bean!" Randall shoves a red jelly-bean in my face,

"I brung Cheez Curls, but I got hungry when we were hiding and I ate them all, so you can't have any..." Frank holds up an empty bag with his cheesy hands,

"I HAVE A JUICEBOX IN MY LUNCH!" Columbia screeches, "It's juice... _in a box_!"

"Brad, If you talk to me again during class, I'll do something very rude to you." says Magenta, crossing her arms.

"Magenta, what did Brad do to you?" I say,

"He took a pencil out of my desk, and then he was like, 'You're a slice of hotness cake', and I was like, 'You're a pig', and then he made a pig sound and threw his eraser at Patricia's head." Suddenly, Principal Ratishki pokes her head into the room,

"Collins, that bouncy house you rented just arrived, your little creepers are in for a real treat."

* * *

"Mrs Ratishki, I didn't rent a bouncy house..."

"Bull-turds, Collins, it's right outside! And don't worry about losing your job, I'm thinkin' of having a go myself, I haven't done the Macarena in a bouncy house in 32 years! Well, guess I'll be seein' ya, I'm watchin' you, Furter..." She leaves, slamming the door, The kids giggle amongst themselves,

"You rented... a _bouncy house_?"

"We thought it would be fun! Even Mrs Ratishki likes the idea, and you _know_ how mean she is!" says Janet,

"And today, it was Rent-A-Bouncy-House-Get-3-Free-Cheese-Pizzas-Day!" says Patricia,

"And we're paying for it!" Columbia, Brad and Brian screech.

"Really?"

"Every dollar!" says Brad.

"Your money... Right?"

"No."

"Oh. Well, do y'all want to go bounce now?" A loud cheer sounds from the desks, "Alright, get your coats on."

* * *

We go outside to find a few burly guys setting up a bouncy house and laying out boxes of pizza. Frank goes over to one of them, holding out his hands,

"Can I have some please?" The kids direct their attention to the layout of pizza and run over, while the setup guys hand out pizza. One looks over at me, the hot one, mmm...

"Hey, you single?"

"Yeah..."

"Hm, okay, here's my number." He hands me a piece of paper, "I'm Jerry."

"Azisiekah."

"That's my cat's name!"

"YOU LIKE CATS?"

"Yeah, they're cool... I also like dogs."

"I have five dogs..."

"Cool."

"I'll call you, bye." I walk over to where the kids are sitting with their pizza, Frank has already eaten his and Randall is licking all the tomato sauce off. Magenta is picking hers apart and Columbia is dripping crumbs all over herself.

* * *

The kids have a bounce and we go back inside a few minutes before school ends,

"Are you happy? We didn't do any work, all day."

"I'm happy." says Brad, "I bounced, and I ate greasy food, and I watched you flirt with a buff guy in a wife beater. I'm so thankful that you're so nice." This kid's gonna make me cry in front of the whole class...

"And I'm thankful for my friends." says Magenta, "Especia- Speci- Mostly Brad, because he loves me and I have him wrapped around my finger."

"I'm thankful for my bed. Because it's comfy." says Columbia.

"And I'm thankful for you, Miss Collins. You're so nice... and you have pretty hair..." says Frank, oh my God his eyes are huge...


	9. The Cone Of Shame

**School Days. The Cone of Shame.**

* * *

Lavender's POV.

It all started this morning. Sunday November 27th. At 9:00 am. Joanne and Frankie were innocently playing in the living room, with blocks, then I heard a scream, and here is how it went down. Yo, man. Oh, I feel so hood-like, y'all!

I run into the living room to find Joanne biting Frank in his neck, he is laying on the floor, he looks almost dead.

"MOMMY! NUT-BALL'S BITIN' ME!"

"JOANNIKAH FURTER, THAT IS VERY VERY NAUGHTY! NAUGHTY THING TO DO!"

"YEAH!" Frank shoves the baby to the floor and runs away, he's upset, poor boy. I pick the baby up and follow Frank to his room, almost tripping and breaking my face on a thing of lip gloss,

"FRANKIE-SEED! YOU NEED MEDICAL ATTENTION!" I grab his hand and drag him to the car, "We're going to the emergency room."

"NO! Doctors are scary!" I drive away.

About five minutes later we arrive at the Denton Veterinary Clinic, where Cat and Dog have their check-ups. Person-Hospitals don't know anything, when Magenta was a baby and broke her leg they put the cast on the wrong leg. (Randall tossed her down the stairs, who knew a child of two years could be so doggone strong...) We pull into the parking lot and I drag the kids inside. Our favourite vet greets us, Dr Linda Yorgensen.

"Hi, Lavender, kids, what's Dog been doing now?"

"Oh, it isn't Dog. It's my son, he's been bitten by a baby."

"And?"

"Can you fit him for a-" I spell it out, "C. O. N. E?"

"Like a flea collar?" Linda inspects Frank from a distance, "He's a little tall and a little bit... you know, shaped like a marshmallow. I've never done a cone for an anima- I mean, boy his size. But it's baby fat, no offense."

"None taken, but I don't want him picking at it, please, help us, Linda."

"Well, haven't you taken him to a human doctor?"

"They don't know anything. Once, my friend's daughter-"

"Do you want a cone or not?"

"I want a cone for Frank, make it nice and big."

"WAIT!" Frank interjects, "Mommy, remember when Dr Joel, the orthodontist, said I can't have headgear 'cus it'll get sticked in my hair, what would a C. O. N. E do?"

"It will protect against infection."

"I'm scared of infection."

"Exactly." Linda brings Frank into the operating room and shuts the door...

* * *

Frank comes out of the operating room with his head in what looks like a funnel, scowling his little buns off.

"Do you feel better, Chicken-Nugget?"

"NOOO! I'M IN A SATELLITE DISH, MOMMY! I WANT OUT! GET ME OUT!"

"Oh, but Frankie, it's good for you!"

"It's hurtful! My head feels like it's too big for my body!"

...

The next day when I'm sending Frankie to school with the cone, it's risky, but the boy has to get an education so he can get into middle school. When I start to get him dressed to go out into the coldness, he starts to cry,

"What's wrong, Cinnamon-Stick?"

"You're hurting my cone!"

"How?"

"MY HAT HURTS! You stuffed it on me an' it hurted! Then you taked it off. Now my head will be cold!" Frank keels over right there in the foyer. I slam an aluminum platter on his head and tape it down.

"Stop whining, Frank, this plastic cone is for your own good."

"I couldn't put any makeup on! I had to get Daddy to help me! He doesn't know the first thing about foundation!"

"You're very pretty anyway. Put your jacket on."

"I can't get through the head hole!"

"Jackets don't even _have _head holes..."

"Oh, yes they do too! And I couldn't brush my teeth!"

"You can have a mint, here, I'll drop it into your mouth." Frank opens his mouth and leans his head back, I drop the mint but it rolls off the plastic cone, Frank starts to cry harder,

"I'M HUNGRY, MOMMY!"

"Mints won't make you non-hungry, Frank, you're about to miss your bus."

I get the kids across the street to the bus stop, London is there with the kids and Evie is holding Brad's hand, Randall opens his mouth really wide,

"Frank looks like a dog!"

"I do not!"

"Hey check it out!" Randall peels back the platter and drops a coin into the cone, it swirls around in a circle around the rim and descends in a downward spiral down the back of Frank's t-shirt.

"OOH! I WANNA TRY!" says Brad, running over, Magenta follows him with her hand in her mouth, Brad drops a penny in. "Ooh, it's twirling!"

"I feel like a parabolismic-assical microphone!"

"You mean parabolic?" Magenta reminds,

"That too!"

"Does it work with bus tokens?" says Randall,

"NO!" shouts London, guarding her purse,

"How 'bout rocks!"

"NOOOO!" Frank hollers, Randall dumps a handful of rocks into the cone as Frank is screaming, "THAT ONE HIT MY HEAD!" Randall comes over with a boulder the size of a chihuahua, "GET THAT AWAY FROM ME!"

"It's just a rock!"

"Yeah! Rocks don't bite!"

"Stop, you guys." whines Magenta from a few feet away, she's eating a poison ivy leaf,

"Magenta, get that out of your mouth!" says London.

"Oh, relax." Evie replies, "If it looks like lettuce, it's food." The bus pulls up,

"Hey kids!" says Chad, the bus driver, fresh out of college. Kind of a nutter. "Wassup?"

"I have a satellite dish on my head." says Frank,

"_C'est la vie_. I have zits on my back."

"How do you pop them?"

"I don't know... Anyway, hop in!"

"I'm not really in the mood for hopping today, Chad." The kids file onto the bus, first Brad, Magenta, Randall, and then Frank, but, the cone is too big, so he just bounces off, "Ouch."

"Go in backwards so it folds in!" says Evie, Frank obeys and eventually squeezes onto the bus.

**Azisiekah's POV.**

Randall, Magenta, Brad and Frank get off the bus and Frank is wearing a flea collar. What's his nutty mother done now? He comes over to me,

"Hi Miss Collins, my mommy told me to wear a cone on my head because my sister bit me and it might get infected if Randall doesn't hit me in the nose with a dime."

"I'm sorry, I didn't catch all of that-"

"Never mind." Janet runs over,

"Frank, you look like a alien!"

"I can't breathe good in here."

"Here, watch this!" Janet gets a toothpick and pokes air-holes in the aluminum platter that's taped to his cone,

"Ahhh, better."

...

When lunch-time rolls around and the kids are getting their lunches out, Frank opens his lunch box, takes off his platter and tries to drink from his juice-box, when he finds out he can't reach his mouth he starts to cry.

"What's wrong, Frank, why do you always cry when we're eating? Comment on my 'lumpy butt' again and I'm sending you to the principal's office."

"I can't get any juice!" Magenta comes over,

"Have you tried this?" She takes the box and sprays it into the air, it lands in the cone,

"Hey, cool! Do it again, this time I'll open my mouth!" Magenta sprays juice again and about half of it lands in Frank's mouth, the other half on his face, "OW, MY EYES! MY EARS! I'm all sticky now..."

* * *

The kids go out for recess, and while they're outside I see Janet and Magenta pouring bottled water into the cone as Frank is screaming,

"Girls, what are you doing with those bottles of water?"

"Nothin'..."

"THEY'RE TRYIN' TO DROWN ME!" Frank screams as the water level in his cone rises past his eyes, washing off his makeup, Randall, Lisa, Columbia, Eddie, and Brad come over to stare,

"He looks like an aquarium with all those rocks and pennies in his cone."

"He looks like a goldfish!" Frank is blowing bubbles in the water and letting out weird muffled underwater screams. By now all the grades in the schoolyard, from kindergarten through fourth grade have come to stare **(Denton Elementary goes from Kindergarten to eighth grade.)** Finally I pick Frank up, and turn him upside down, the water pours out of the cone, Frank screams louder,

"THAT SCARED ME! THAT WAS SO SCARY!"

"HA! YOU LOOKED SO SILLY!" Columbia squeals until Magenta slaps her on the arm and she quiets down. Frank is pouting in his soaked cone with makeup running down his face.

"I wanna go home."

"But we have art after recess! We're painting!" I try to reason with this kid,

"Okay, but only if I can use pink."

"I promise, I'll give you as much pink paint as you want."

* * *

I start the art class by having the kids outline what they want to make a picture of. None of the kids actually do this of course, because they're all signing the damn cone!

"Okay, my little friends, you can go away now." says Frank after a while. The cone doesn't have anything on it, Frank holds up a slip of paper, "LOOK MISS COLLINS! WANNA SIGN MY SYMPATHETICALS SHEET?"

"Okay fine." I sign the Sympathy Sheet, "Alright kids, get painting, who wants to hand out the paint?" A few little hands go up, I decide on Janet, she never wants to hand anything out.

After the art lesson I have the kids come to the front of the class to share what they made, first up is Magenta,

"I made a picture of a butterfly stabbing a lobster with a pear." Then Randall,

"This is a egg with a mouth and it's bleeding." Brian,

"I made a line." Patricia,

"I made a line too." Lisa,

"I made a line three." Janet,

"I made a smiling cake playing soccer." Brad,

"I made Magenta in a bathing suit." DISTURBING! Columbia,

"I made a cat on a tricycle." Eddie,

"I drawed a cow peeing out chocolate milk. See? It's brown cow. And did you know, that strawberry milk is the cow's blood? Randall told me that. And then I never drinked it again. YUCK-Y!" Okayyy, last is Frank, he comes up to the front with the entire cone painted pink, how the hell can the kid see? He holds up his paper,

"This is a picture of how I got the cone." On the paper is a full colour drawing of a blonde woman in scrubs chasing a little boy in a dress around an operating room, holding a sheet of plastic and a needle. A speech bubble is above the woman's head that says, 'You're fat!', and the boy (who I'm guessing is Frank) is attempting to hit the woman with a flaming stethoscope. That's when I realize this kid is seriously full of it.

* * *

London's POV.

I'm babysitting Frank after school again. The kid is probably the weirdest kid I've ever met. And I live with Randall and Magenta McAllistor. The kids come inside and Randall grabs a pack of cinnamon sticks off the table. Frank has a pink cone on his head.

"Watch this." says Randall, sticking a cinnamon stick in his mouth, "I can smoke this cinnamon stick!"

"OOH! I WANNA TRY!" says Magenta, grabbing a stick and pretending to smoke it. Frank inches through the kitchen and grabs a pencil, sticking it in his mouth,

"This duddn't taste very good. It tastes like a eraser." The kids drop their cinnamon cigarettes and drag Frank upstairs.

...

About five minutes later the kids drag Frank back into the kitchen, he has a leash around his neck, pieces of brown cardboard taped to his hair, dog makeup and a tail made of toilet paper. Probably an entire roll. Parenting is a painful process.

"Look, Mommy, Frank has fleas. See? He's a dog now." says Magenta, dropping a handful of frozen peas into the cone.

"Bow wow." whines Frank from inside the cone, "I can't even see in here."

"Shush!" says Randall, dropping an apple on Frank's head.

"I think he wants some dog food."

"Okay!"

"NO-KAY!" Magenta grabs the can of wet dog food, (which we save for when Lavender makes us dog-sit that crazy little sausage she calls a pet.) and drops it into the cone.

"Yummy!"

"Want some more."

"Eeeeeehhhh...NO!" Frank runs away down the hall but runs right into the wall,

"All doggies need something to drink..."

"NOT AGAIN!" Frank starts to scrape a hole in the pink paint on his cone with his fingernail, this of course doesn't work, so I go over and cut eyeholes in the plastic.

"Now I can poke in there!" says Randall, I grab his hands and put mitts on them, "Nuts."

Frank starts to whine,

"Ewww, it smells in here."

"What's it smell like?"

"It smells like the inside of my dog's mouth after my grandma makes dinner and I don't like it so I drop it on the floor and Dog eats it because he likes scraps and my grandma's food. Mix that with plastic, finger paint, water, foundation and organic filtered grape juice in a disinfected cardboard juice box, and you got yourself somethin' pretty evil up in here."

"Oh My God, you sounded like Tyra just there."

"True dat, 'Genta..."

"Randall McAllistor, where the heck did you learn to speak like that?"

"Ummm... the carpet."

* * *

Lavender shows up a few minutes later with Joanne on a baby leash,

"Hi, London, was Frankie good today?"

"No I wasn't!" Frank screams from under the kitchen table, "I'M A BAD BAD KID!"

* * *

**Lavender's POV**.

I take Frankie home, and when it's time for him to go to bed, I let him take the cone off,

"Thanks, mommy, I had fun in my cone today!"

"You did?"

"Yeah! I have thirty bucks in the back of my shirt because Randall was dropping coins in, and I learned how to get on a bus in a satellite dish, and I had fun!" I put a tack in Frank's wall and hang up the cone,

"Night-night, baby-kins."

"Night-night, mommy-kins." I go downstairs and crack open a tub of ice cream. Delicious. Ice cream is my favourite food in the whole wide universe.


	10. A Very School Days Christmas!

**School Days.**

**EARLY CHRISTMAS TREAT FOR Y'ALL! I don't own Rocky Horror or Polly Anderson's Christmas Party by Stuart McLean, oh God, stop asking... Teacher's POV. This is second grade. Brad is allowed to believe in cooties. It's coming up on Christmas/Hannukah, so Azisiekah decides to get them into the holiday spirit! Please r&r. Also I like to call this a songfic because, the whole time I was writing it, I was listening to Nyan Cat. It's Brad and Magenta's song. The kids are already picking out the soundtrack of their love-lives... :)**

* * *

I'm so pissed at the snow. It's goddamn cold! The dogs can't even go outside so they're flipping around my apartment while Alicia is shopping for stuffing. Not like for a turkey, like pillow fluff, she's making her newborn niece a stuffed dreydel, of all things. I also have to come up with Christmas/Hannukah related stuff for the kids to do in class. Then it hits me- Secret Santa. I did that when I was in second grade. But it's not Jewish. Is there a Hannukah fairy or something? I can call it something different. I'll call it Give-This-Person-A-Present-But-They-Don't-Know-It's-You. Eddie and Columbia better like it.

When I get into class the next day, it's freezing cold and all the kids are wearing their coats. Then I see that all the windows are wide open. Brad and Magenta are both inside Brad's jacket. These kids are weird...

"Okay kids. I have a surprise." Eddie loses it,

"I BET IT'S CAKE! I LIKE CAKE!" The kids all start screaming for a few minutes until I smack a ruler against the blackboard. The kids settle down.

"The surprise is not cake. We're going to do something." Frank stands up,

"YOU ARE A PERVERT!"

"What? Anyway, I want each of you to come and take a name out of this box, I didn't have a hat. Whichever name you get, you have to buy that person a present and bring it into school next Monday. if you get your own name, just take another." Columbia stands up,

"What if your name is the last one in there?"

"It won't be."

"But what if-"

"_Sit_."

"Sorry."

"Okay, so I'll just come around the room and let you, just... yeah..." Frank grabs the box and looks inside,

"I don't get it, the little names are all folded up, how do we know we're getting someone we like?" He takes one out, unfolds it and looks at it. "OH CRAP, I GOT-" I cover his mouth,

"Don't say it, or it won't be a surprise."

"Fine." Frank stares at his little name card. "What the fudgemuffin does this person like. I wanna ask her." Brad stands up,

"He said it's a girl! There are five girls in the class, Frank, drop some more hints."

"She has long hair."

"So it's not Columbia or Patricia!"

"ALRIGHT!" I screech, "Somebody take another name please!" Columbia jumps forward,

"Ooh, me... Okay, aw, lookit those little names, all curled up in there, it's like they're sleeping! Okey-dokey..." Columbia shuffles her hand around in the box and pulls out a name, she jumps up and down and claps. "YAY!" she screams, "I GOTTA NORMAL PERSON!"

"DON'T TELL US, COLUMBIA." I growl at her,

"Jesus, Azisiekah! Keep your shirt on!"

"EXCUSE ME?"

"That's a nice shirt, I hope you keep it on..."

"March, girl." I point to the office,

"Okay..." Columbia inches out the door.

* * *

I'm Christmas-shopping today, for my sister, Aziza. She 14. She told me she's 'absolutely in love' with some jacket from a store that mainly caters to what Magenta is going to become, probably; Gothic Lolita girls. But, she adores the jacket, it's affordable, I told all my relatives not to get it for her, and they have it in her size.

I leave the store with the jacket and some black lip-gloss that she said she liked, and I head over to The Gap to buy a bra that won't show through my shirt, only to have it pointed out by Randall, very loudly. When I'm looking at T-shirts, I hear children giggling and out pop Frank and Randall's heads from inside the shirt rack.

"Frank? Is that you?"

"I don't know you." He says in a tone almost too serious for himself. "Stranger Danger."

"Yeah." says Randall in the same tone. "I have pepper spray at all times." They go back in and out pops Magenta,

"Please don't abduct me. I'm just a little girl with eczema... ... And it's catching. I hope." She sticks out her tongue and goes back in. I take a clump of shirts off the rack to find all 3 kids attacking a bag of Cheez Curlz. Frank's favourite food. Magenta pretends to finally notice me,

"Oh, hi Ms Collins. I almost got abducted by a creep who tried to catch my eczema."

"Why are you guys hiding?"

"Oh, my Mommy found a little piece of Kleenex in my ear and now she's chasing me with Q-Tips." says Frank.

"And we were supposed to be having a play-date today." says Magenta again.

"I don't actually have pepper spray." says Randall. "I was telling an evil, disgustipating, manipulative lie. Whenever I tell a lie my tongue swells up and I sometimes go out of control. It's pretty fun, except I sometimes run into things and my Mommy has to scream until I start asking questions. That's REALLY fun!" Is this kid for real?

"Why don't you like the Q-Tips, Frank?" Randall interrupts before Frank can open his mouth,

"Q-TIPS ARE EVIL! THEY BITE YOU AND KILL YOUR EARS TO DEATH!" Magenta pours the bag of Cheez Curlz down the back of a nearby pair of jeans, that's when someone calls my name,

"AZISIEKAH? IS THAT YOU?" I look up and see Lavender sprinting toward me, arms flailing. "WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN? AND WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO THE SHIRTS?"

"It's my Mommy." whispers Frank, the kids run into another rack, Magenta has the empty Cheez Curl bag on her head. Lavender slows down before she crashes into a shelf of gift cards.

"Azisiekah, oh my God, just the woman I wanted to see, I'm trying to find my son, have you seen him? He's with the McAllistor kids." I point to the rack of tank tops in which the kids are crouching, "Thank you." Lavender says, "He had an unknown substance in his ear, it makes me wonder the kind of things that kid does behind my back..." Lavender pulls aside some shirts and the kids slither out. "Thank you, Azisiekah."

"Bye, Ms Collins..." As Lavender and the kids are leaving Lavender starts poking Frank in the ear with a Q-tip.

* * *

The next day at school, I end up forgetting pretty much everything I need to actually teach anything at my apartment, so I have to take the kids to my building, when we get there, JJ, the annoying college doorman, who's working part-time to get enough money to go to Vegas this summer, says,

"Hey, Azisiekah, whatcha got all these little kids for?"

"I'm a teacher! Does anyone listen to me when I tell people I started teaching this year?" I shove past JJ as the kids look him up and down, when we get up to my apartment, the kids run wild inside, and the last thing I want is the triplets, Randall, and/or Eddie having access to anything sharp and/or flammable. When the girls see the dogs, they burst into obnoxious squealing sounds, and Alicia drags her sorry ass out of the bedroom,

"Azisiekah, why'd you bring the whole class into our home, where we live, and- EH! DON'T LICK THOSE! THEY COST A LOT OF MONEY, you crazy little..." Frank freezes, his mouth is about half an inch away from a pair of orange pumps I bought two weeks ago, thank you, Alicia. Magenta starts to peel off her snowsuit, now she looks a bit less like a giant pink marshmallow, and drops it on the floor, Blueberry, one of the dogs, runs over to it and gets her head stuck in one of the pockets. I used to call her Blueb, until Janet reminded me of the fact that Blueb sounds like boob. Columbia also tosses her jacket onto Magenta's, followed by Janet, Lisa and Patricia, until Blueberry is trapped under four other jackets and a pocket.

"POMEGRANATE!" Columbia screams, launching herself onto Blueberry, who is a _pomeranian, _along with all the other dogs (we have 5 dogs, all named after fruit, Blueberry, Peach, Apple, Cherry, and Satsuma.) "I LIKE dogs, Ms Collins."

"I like pineapples." says Brad.

...

I can't find anything in this mess, in two minutes, Columbia has completely trashed my apartment! I hear a loud scream from the living room, and I run out there to find Magenta holding the door open,and Cherry's tail disappearing out the door into the hall,

"Bye-Bye dogs!" she's screaming after them. Randall runs up to me,

"Holy crap, Ms Collins, Magenta just released the dogs!" Alicia gets off the coffee table, where she has most likely been sitting on to avoid any lice-infested children, Denton Elementary School hasn't had a lice problem since, like, a long time ago, so she gets off the table and comes up behind Magenta threateningly,

"Ms Collins, they wanted to go outside..." I can feel myself heating up,

"Kids... drop everything, we're going on a dog hunt."

Our first dog is found by my elderly neighbour, Mrs Butterfield, holding Peach,

"Did you lose your germ factory?"

"FUZZY PEACH!" Magenta screeches, she grabs Peach back and runs into my bathroom. Columbia sits down on the pile of jackets,

"I CAN'T FIND ALL THOSE DOGS BEFORE SCHOOL ENDS! MY MOMMY SAYS SCHOOL IS A PLACE TO LEARN AND PLAY WITH MY FRIENDS!" Alicia inches over to the fridge,

"Do any of you little psychopaths want a piece of chicken?" Frank raises his hand, "And yes, it's cooked." Frank's hand goes down.

"I hate cooked chicken."

"I've got corn..." All the kids rush to the fridge, Alicia screams, "CAN YOU GET THESE THINGS OUT, PLEASE?" I open the door,

"Kids, we have to go find the dogs, please form a line and put your coats on."

"I never tooked mine off." whines Brad from his sprawled position the couch, "I'm hot..."

"I know!" says Magenta,

"Magenta, never say that again," I say, "you're only 5."

"AND, LIKE, THREE QUARTERS!"

"Can we get back on track please, kids, great..." I lead them out the door, they've already gotten into a buddy system, only one problem, I have to split Brad and Magenta up! These kids are too young to be flirting! Columbia interrupts my train of thought with a high-pitched scream (like she wasn't high-pitched before)

"I FOUND A DOGGY!" She points to Satsuma, who is peeing on the carpeted hallway floor, it's gonna be like a sponge, Brad lays face down in the doorway,

"I can't moooooove..." He whines, Magenta grabs his mitten and drags him a few inches, he's wearing the kind of mitts that are attached in back of his jacket by a string. He sounds like Randy from A Christmas Story... I attach Satsuma's collar to the 5-way leash and we keep going...

We don't find any more dogs on my floor, and I'm on the top floor so we only have downstairs to go, 1 floor down, 5 to go, 2 dogs down, 3 to go...

* * *

We end up finding Blueb and Cherry on the elevator on our way to the lobby, and we found Apple attacking JJ,

"Hey, Azisiekah? Is this your dog?" JJ is shaking his leg around, Apple is attached to his knee,

"APPLE!" screams Magenta, running over to the dog,

"Get your grubby children OUT OF THIS BUILDING!" Janet holds out her hands to JJ,

"See? I'm not grubby. I wash my hands every five minutes because I don't want to get sick. When I get sick my mommy says I can't go to school because I could infect the other children."

"That's a nice story, kid, but I've got an apartment building to protect, I think I'm the next level of the police force. I'm like an undercover cop, I'm an animal, RAAR!"

"That's not very scary. My mommy is scarier than that when I don't finish my homework." says Frank.

"Once when my mommy was cutting me a pear, she cutted her finger, and then was blood squirting everywhere, and it got on me, and it was wet, and I had blood in my pear." says Columbia, crossing her arms.

"One time, my mommy setted the oven on fire, and the firemans had to come to our house!" says Randall, "And Magenta-" he points to Magenta, "She was crying and screaming, and she wouldn't be quiet until the next day. She screamed for 12 hours straight, that's a record. And my daddy saided, 'London, maybe I should make the kid's dinner'. So when my daddy's on a business trip, my mommy orders takeout."

"My daddy thinks the people at McDonalds are idiots. One time, I got a McFlurry but they got my daddy's cheeseburger wrong, so he getted really mad because he doesn't like tomatoes, so he gave it to me because tomatoes are my favourite vegetable, but he was complainin' and makin' lotsa noise and I couldn't enjoy my McFlurry, I also had a tomato in with it, so maybe that was why I threw up after..." says Brad. Does this kid ever stop talking?

* * *

I take the kids back up to my apartment and they disappear into various rooms, all except Magenta, who's still catching all kinds of germs from the dogs,

"Oh God, I'm gonna have to look for a bunch of little kids now?" I whisper to myself,

"Well, I'm gonna go hide, too, if you wanna find us after, DON'T. LOOK!" Magenta looks up at me pointing her finger in my face,

"Don't worry."

"Good." She runs behind the TV. "Miss Collins, I bet you don't know where I am!"

"No, you're too good for me..."

"That's good. I'm too good for everyone. Me and Randall always hide at home until my mommy forgets and we have to come out or else we'll die and that would be bad because, I'm only frackin' 5 years frackin' old, and it would be frackin' bad if I got frackin' lost."

"Does your mother let you talk like that?"

"No. If I talk like that at home my mommy makes me go to my room and think-about-my-actions-young-lady, I'm not even allowed to say 'Frub' because my mommy thinks I'm 'implying rudeness', but I just like saying it because it rhymes with shrub. I fell in a shrub once, I got stuck, and my daddy had to drag me out with a rope, he tied it to my foot, but I just sticked more, so my mommy cut me out with scissors, but she ran with them, so Randall was screaming, and me too, and my daddy got mad and he told us to be quiet."

"That's a nice story, Magenta."

"I'm not done-"

"OKAY!"

"I know, right! So anyway, I got out of the shrub and my mommy had to cut my hair, so the twigs would go away, I hate lettuce, oh my God, I'm a centegenarian, that means I eat **MEAT, **Vegetarians eat vegetables, is macaroni a vegetable? Because my mommy's a vegetarian and _she_ eats that stuff all the time, one time she threw up because she ate cheese on a rollercoaster, Oh My God, on the rollercoaster in Boston, Randall screamed in my ear, and everyone was barfing, and I barfed when we got home, I live in Denton, USA, America. I live in America and I eat ham!"

"Really?"

"Have you ever goed to Coney Island, I eated a taco there."

"That's nice..."

"At the park, there's a swing that always goes inside my skin, one time, I tooked my shoes off in the sand and I getted glass in my toe, so now my mommy makes me wear shoes in the sand, Cause I was blooding everywhere, Randall and Columbia didn't care, Columbia even tried to bury her head in the sand and die." This is really weird, but Magenta's talking really loudly, and she's behind the TV, it looks like the TV's talking...

* * *

Finally, the kids have their Secret Santa stuff all ready. I can't wait for them to finally learn to spend money on someone else. It'll be amazing when it happens, I can hardly wait for class to start, and that's really saying something, no seriously, I have the McAllistor children in my class.

The first kid to come inside is Brian, those Blume kids don't say much, that's what makes them so damn creepy...

"Hi Miss Collins. I bought my person Cheez Curls, because they like Cheez Curls." DEAD GIVEAWAY. Next is Columbia,

"Hi, Miss Collins, I got my person a box of strawberries and a thing of After-Bite, because mosquitoes love her, her name starts with Ma and ends with Genta." ANOTHER DEAD GIVEAWAY. Next Randall comes in and gets right to the point,

"I got Janet. I'm giving her a stick I found outside."

"Lovely..." The rest of the kids file inside and sit down,

"Okay," I announce, "Today, you're going to hand out your presents, so, let's get to it. I'm going to call one of your names, and you're going to give the person you got their present. First is... Janet." Janet stands up and goes over to Eddie's desk, handing him a package, he unwraps the package and his eyes get huge,

"OH MY GOD! A NEW LEATHER JACKET!"

"It was 30 dollars plus tax."

"Thanks, Jan."

"No problem." I call the next kid,

"Randall?" Randall hands Janet the stick,

"I'm broke, I got that stick from a big tree in the schoolyard. I think a dog peed on it but my mommy told me never to touch things that a dog touched first."

"I like it. I can poke things now..." Well, surprise, surprise... I call the next name,

"Frank?" Frank hops up, smiling,

"LISA!" Frank slams a little box down on her desk, Lisa opens the box and squeals,

"Oh, how pretty! Miss Collins, Frank getted me a pretty diamond bracelet!"

"And the diamonds are real! My mommy buyed the bracelet! She says it only costed a little bit."

"Don't care, It looks expensive!"

...

At the end of the day, Frank puts a package on my desk and sneaks out the door, when I know he's gone, I open the box to find- Oh, my, GOD! Inside the box is a Chanel purse full of gift cards... I think I have my new favourite student...

* * *

McAllistor House. Friday, 4:00 pm. London McAllistor's POV. (Mommy McAllistor)

My two sisters, their families and my family are staying at our cottage for Christmas. That means they're staying from now, the 16th, until January 4th. My sister, Nina married her first love, Darryl at 18 and gave birth to her first daughter Jade two weeks later, then her second, Ginger, and her twin sons, Jackie and Bobby. My other sister, Jael had three little triplets ( Hazel, Fuschia and Ruby) as her 20th birthday present to herself and her husband, Cameron, had twin boys (Seth and Ryan) and to top it all off, two twin daughters, both 4, Scarlet and Violet. She could have her very own Kate Plus Eight. My kids are really into the whole 'My cousins are coming over so I can skip school to hang out with them' thing, they're in second grade, it comes naturally. Even though, there's no school until like... a long time from now.

The terror starts with Scarlet looking through the mail slot. Almost every child who come to our house looks through there so Magenta has learned to recognize the sound of it opening, you do _not_ want to have to explain to _my _daughter that just because she hears someone coming over does not mean someone is coming over. Randall runs down the stairs in his home-made pajamas and a pair of Magenta's plastic heels ( A fashion choice which I fully support, BTW,) and lays down on the floor at the bottom of the stairs,

"It's bedtime." he says.

"Scarlet's here." Randall can't stand Scarlet.

"No freakin' way!"

"What did you just say?"

"Nothing." I open the door and Jael's triplets run inside, followed by Seth and Ryan, Scarlet and Violet, Jade, Ginger, Jackie and Bobby. The boys runs upstairs, screaming, and the girls look around for Magenta, until she emerges at the top of the basement steps wearing a dress she made herself by stapling Kleenexes together. She has lipstick down the middle of her face and lip gloss on her eyelids. She's eating peanut butter directly from the jar. This kid is a mess... Hazel hands me her snowsuit,

"Bonjour Aunt London."

"What did you just say?"

"I'm talking France."

"The word is 'French', darling. Oh, Bonjour, my little Lon." says Jael, "Oh look, Randy's wearing Fabricland, how sweet, where's Magenta?" I point to Magenta, "Oh, my little precious princess! How are you- Oh, you smell like artificial strawberry!"

"I eated a whole tube of it..."

"Oh, she's darling! Isn't she just _darling_, Lon!"

"She ripped my bedroom door off the hinges..."

"That's cute, Lon, I need a cappuccino, can't a woman get a cappuccino around here somewhere? Randy, can you be a dear and unstick Magenta-muffin's hand from that jar of peanut butter, London Alvarado McAllistor, cappuccino, please?"

"Don't call me by my maiden name, Jael Alvarado Bautista." I snap back while Randall runs water over Magenta's sticky hand. Hazel, Scarlet, Jade and Violet sit themselves down at the kitchen table, Scarlet is laying out her makeup, the girl is 4 years old and already wearing makeup. I mean more than Frank, The kid from down the street, Lavender's kid, the little cross-dressing nutbar. My sister Nina Alvarado Prodatska comes into the room, In all her soccer mom glory...

"Hi, Lon, Magenta, Randy, hey, sis, you got anymore o'that banana bread?"

"Nina, I made that banana bread last summer."

"Oh, that sucks, make more."

"Neen, she's workin' on my cappuccino." Jael intervenes, Darryl and Cameron follow their wives into the kitchen. Along with my husband, Jake, my little ginger. I'm too blonde, I need a wig... Seth is latched onto Cameron's leg and Bobby is inside Darryl's sweater.

"Aw, frub!" says Magenta from under the table, where she has fled with the peanut butter still adhered onto her little hand,

"Magenta, stop implying rudeness." says Nina, finishing my sentence, "That's what you would say to that, right?" Jael looks up from Magenta's face, which she has been kissing profusely and says,

"So, Lon, are you all done packing?"

"Just about the entire house. I'm even getting Lavender from down the street to house-sit."

"Oh... how quaint." Violet jumps up,

"YOUR NEIGHBOUR HAS A COLOUR NAME JUST LIKE ME!"

* * *

After packing Randall and Magenta into the car, Jake and I get into the front of the car, Jael, Nina, Darryl and Cameron's cars take off from the driveway. I hate the idea of driving in the snow...

At the first rest-stop on the way to the rural land of boredom where the Alvarado family cottage is. The kids all run into the building, us six adults eventually round them up so they're all on a bench.

"I WANT FOOD!" Seth screams,

"ME TOO!"

"ME FOUR!"

"Well you can't have any food until London goes and buys some." says Jael,

"Why me?"

"Because you're the youngest. Doesn't Magenta buy things at home? And make dinner? And vacuum?"

"I don't even know how to make water..." says Magenta, looking at the ground,

"Don't worry, Magenta," says Bobby, "I don't even know how to open the fridge."

"Well _I _make dinner." says Scarlet. "I even know how to make cake."

"Really? One time, I made cereal. It's hard. I don't know what comes first; the orange juice or the corn flakes." says Randall.

"That's an easy one." says Hazel, "Everyone knows the orange juice goes in after the cereal and the lemon slices."

"I thought you had to put broccoli in..." says Ryan.

"I did that once, and my mommy spat it out and said, 'Wow, Randy, that's yummy, but I think you need some practice...' I think she didn't like it because it smelled bad and the broccoli was growing a long hair." says Randall, blowing my parenting cover, Nina looks disgusted, like she's never spat out gross cereal before, I've seen some of the evil-looking things that Violet tries to pass off as food...

* * *

On Christmas Eve, tragedy strikes. My crazy children have gotten lost in the snow. Why couldn't it be one of my sisters? I'm going to go out to look for them as soon as possible...

**Randall's POV! Finally!**

Me and Magenta are lost. Magenta's being a little baby and whining and it's annoying and it makes me want to bite my hand off. I tried that once, I couldn't do it. My wrist is too hard. I'm also not cooked.

"RANDALL I'M COLD!" Magenta screams, "I WANT YOUR HAT!"

"NO!"

"RANDALL, GIMME YOUR HAT!"

"NO, YOU HAVE YOUR OWN HAT!"

"SO DO YOU! AND I NEED IT!" I can hear my mommy screaming at me, we're probably getting close to the house. Vomit. I wanted to make snow tunnels.

"RANDALL, GIMME YOUR SCARF!"

"NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO N.O SPELLS NO NO NO NO NO NO!"

"YES! YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES Y-E-S SPELLS YES YES YES!" All of a sudden Magenta trips and falls on her annoying face. Ha ha. She stands up and drops the snow out of her scarf, she tripped on one of our porch stairs. I think we maked it home.

**London's POV.**

I hear Randall and Magenta screaming at each other. I miss them so much. There's somebody at the door. I answer the door and find my two crazy kids, soaking wet, arguing like the little nuts they are.

"MOMMY!" Randall runs inside and hugs the fridge, Magenta starts to whine and lays down on the floor, I pick her up and bring her to the living room, Randall follows us, he's already taken a few chocolate bars from the bowl on the kitchen counter. Magenta tosses her snowsuit across the room, it hits Nina in the leg, followed by her mitts, her hat, scarf and earmuffs. She dives into a blanket and stays there. It's almost time for dinner. I got a log cake!

* * *

We all sit down for dinner, and Scarlet says something that makes me want to break out the video camera,

"I think perhaps we should say Grace before we eat so Santa will make sure we don't starve." Jael chokes on her cough-drop,

"That would be Jesus, Scarlet."

"Yeah, _wuteeeevvvvvsssss. _In the name of the father, son, holy spirit, Amen."

"Amen." we all say in unison.

...

After 10 Hail Mary's we can finally eat, Magenta rubs a shred of spinach on one of her front teeth,

"I don't like it."

"Did you try it?" I suggest,

"Yes. I tasted it." Randall shovels a handful of spinach into her face,

"EAT IT 'GENTA!" Magenta horks the spinach out, a spitty ball of green lands inches away from my plate,

"Now, Magenta McAllistor, that's no way to behave yourself on Christmas." Jake whispers in her ear,

"IT'S YUCKY! MOMMY, I WANT SOMETHING ELSE!" I hand her a bowl of beets, the kid whines louder and kicks Nina under the table.

"OW!" she blames the wrong kid, "RANDY, KICKING IS RUDE."

"I didn't do nuttin', you creepy-assical cat lady." Nina gasps, holding two bread-sticks in front of her in a cross formation.

"GOD HELP YOU, YOUNG MAN!"

"Nina, calm down."

"NO YOU CALM DOWN, LONDON!" Magenta joins in the big girl conversation,

"MOMMY, I DROPPED MY SPINACH! I DROPPED IT NOW IT'S ON THE FLOOR! I CAN'T EAT DIRTY FOOD!"

"CRAP!" Nina exclaims, "I FORGOT! I TOTALLY FORGOT!"

"What's wrong, Neen?"

"I'M SCREWED! I FORGOT TO GET EGG NOG!"

"It's not an emergency, Nina." says Cameron, "We can get some in the morning."

"But we have to leave some out for Santa!" Jade screams, the kids break out into perfectly synchronized squeals of 'Oh No!'

"I'll make a run for the store." I volunteer,

"NO WAY!" Cameron shouts, "WE HAVE TO GO INTO TOWN AND SPREAD OUT LOOKING FOR STORES!"

"Is that how your family works?"

"Shut up, London."

"Us men can go, too." Bobby shouts, the boys jump up and cheer.

"It's settled then." says Jael,

"What about the girls?"

"They can babysit each other."

"Oh no..."

...

We get into town and half the stores are closed, a throng of carol-ers is travelling through the town, singing about joy and peace and good will towards nutty children like Randall and Magenta. What if I made Magenta sell matches, would Lavender call Child Services? Probably. Jael runs into a store and runs right back out again, Randall and Bobby throw some snowballs at her head,

"It's out of egg nog!"

"Oh hell no, lemme talk to them!" Nina hollers.

"Neen, they're out! There's no more egg nog in the store! NADA BIATCH!"

"Lordy, Jay, you don't have to go all flaky on me! I'mma go check some 'nother store, Lon, take notes."

"What notes?" I ask, Jael hands me a notebook,

"Which stores are closed, Einstein!"

* * *

We get back to the house an hour later with six cartons of egg nog and find the girls, with the living room partition closed, Hazel has at least 12 meat sticks in her mouth.

"Girls, how was it?" Nina asks,

"I' waf gwate!" Hazel says with her mouth full, "We wa' fo gud!"

"Can I come into the living room please?" says Darryl,

"NO!" Magenta screams, "NOT YET! You don't want to, it's boring in there!"

"Girls, can we please come through?" The girls move away looking scared, I push the partition away and find...

A HUGE DAMN MESS!

The girls trashed the house! Hazel comes up behind me,

"I got pepperoni!"

"I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU." Scarlet comes over and tries to explain,

"Well, I couldn't find my retainer! And Magenta was looking for that penny she dropped in there last summer!"

"I needed the penny back."

"AAAAUGH!" Nina growls, "I _KNEW _I COULDN'T TRUST YOU GIRLS! IF I HAD THE CHOICE, YOU'D ALL BE ON THE NAUGHTY LIST!"

* * *

That night, Nina and Cameron are on Santa Set-up Duty. The kids are all out like little lights, they don't suspect a thing! But we have a close call when Randall comes into my room (where Jake is sawing some serious logs, BTW...) and says,

"Mommy, I can't sleep."

"Why?"

"My toe itches."

"Why don't you itch it?"

"Because if I move, I'll wake Seth up, and he'll go ballistic-assical on me."

"Santa can't come if you're awake, okay? So go back to sleep, mommy's tired, too."

"Can I itch my toe in here, then?"

"Okay, fine." Randall itches his toe and runs back into his room.

...

I wake up the next morning to feel a little kid breathing on my face, I open my eyes to see Randall's face inches away from mine, the kid looks like something out of, like, Paranormal Activity or something.

"Mommy, I think Santa was here."

"No way!"

"HELLZ YEAH, HE GOT US PRESENTS, can you get Magenta up, she scares me when she's sleeping." I get out of bed and follow Randall down the hall into the girl's room, where Magenta is still out like a light.

"Wake up, Princess..."

"No Mommy."

"Yes."

"NO! I wanna sleep!"

"There's presents downstairs..." Magenta jumps up, she's wearing pink footy pajamas, I carry her downstairs, I think 'Santa' really overdid it with the presents this year, and by Santa, I mean Jake and I, but whatever. I spot Nina coming out of her room with a reindeer carrot sticking out of her nightgown, I rip it out before any kids see.

"OH MY GOD!" Magenta screams, she runs over the her stocking, which is sprawled across the couch (overflowing, BTW...) and takes out a Barbie doll (Jael, I blame you for this.) wearing a skimpy maid outfit that I hope to God I never see my daughter wearing. **(SUBTLE FORESHADOWING!)** Randall on the other hand, has spilled his haul out onto the floor and is sorting it according to 'big-ness' and 'little-ness'. I go over to where my presents are stacked precariously, Nina comes over,

"Open mine first, Lon, I think you're going to really like it a lot!"

"Well, when you put it that way..." I open the package with the tag that says, 'To my little sista, From Nina. Luvz ya, biatch!:)' and find a plastic Starbucks cup full of gift cards.

"That cup gets you a Venti cold drink for the price of a Grande! That's a freakin' good deal, right?"

"I guess, yeah."

"And with the money you save, you can stock up on Cake Pops for those little squirrels of yours!" That's Nina, always calling children animal names. Mine are squirrels, hers are bunnies and Jael's are birds. Magenta runs over to me,

"Mommy, what's a Bare-f Badge?" She holds a plastic bag in my face, Randall has written on it,

"I think that says Barf Bag, honey. Randall wanted to get you a present but he didn't have any money."

"Grandma gived him money!" My nutty mother is on a cruise in the Bahamas, my parents have money to burn... I go over to where Randall is opening present after present, licking each one so nobody will want to take them, he's in the middle of moistening his new hockey stick when I say,

"Young man, Magenta says Grandma gave you money, did you spend it all? You gave us all Barf Bags..."

"I didn't get any monies. Grandma saided me and Magenta had to share-" He licks the puck, "She spended it all on yarn. To make scarfs for you and Daddy. I got a sweater without a head-hole. She said the extra arm will keep my face warm, what a pineapple, you can go away now..."

"I'm not leaving until I get some answers." Randall turns red and runs away down the hall and up the carpeted stairs, I grab him by the foot,

"WHAT ARE YOU HIDING, RANDALL ADAM BRANDON MARION MCALLISTOR?"

"NOT THE FULL NAME!"

"TALK, BOY!"

"GRANDMA GIVED ME MONEY, I WAS TELLING A EVIL DISGUSTIPATING MANIPULATIVE LIE!"

"IS YOUR TONGUE SWELLING UP?"

"YES!" I let go, Randall runs back down the stairs and jumps onto the couch, digging his way into the couch cushions. I can't believe I gave birth to two little nuthouses... Jael waltzes into the living room holding a platter of sliced fruit,

"ALRIGHT KIDS, SUMMER FUN IN DECEMBER, EACH OF Y'ALL TAKE AS MUCH AS YOU WANT! THERE'S PLENTY MORE WHERE THIS CAME FROM, DIG IN!" Jackie farts,

"There's more where that came from, too!" Nina grabs Jackie and sets his stocking in front of him. Randall and Bobby take some fruit and climb up the tree.

* * *

That night, after everyone goes to bed, me and my kids are sitting on the couch, Randall playing his new Mario Kart game and Magenta reading her new Junie B Jones book. I think I got some nice presents this year, Jael's kids pooled their money and bought me a boxed set of the first 3 seasons of Friends, Nina's kids combined _their _money and bought me fluffy seats covers for the car. Nina and Darryl bought me my Starbucks Cup and a Kit Kat Clock, something I've wanted since I was 13, and Jael and Cameron got me a bunch of frickin' decorative Indian corn. Jake got me a new umbrella and Magenta knitted me a weirdly shaped scarf and Randall wrote Barf Bag on a plastic bag because he spent all his money on candy. I got each of the kids DVDs. I got Just Go With It for Randall and Dinner For Schmucks for Magenta. Completely inappropriate, I know, but Jael tried to show them The Blair Witch Project last year.

"Mommy?" says Magenta, "Can I watch my movie now?"

"In the morning." Magenta shoves her thumb in her mouth, I thought she stopped doing that when she was two... Anyway, Merry Christmas. God Bless us, everyone.

* * *

**Susan Weiss's POV. (Mommy Weiss) Christmas Eve. (Going back in time, biatches!)**

My husband Joseph and I have a good feeling about this year! We're giving our little princesses Janet, Adrienne and Lindsay everything they want this year, including their first ever Christmas sleepover with our neighbours, the Majorses, Mark, Evie, Brad, Jonathan and Steve. Brad and Janet make quite the little pair, Adri and Steve are the youngest power couple I've ever met at three, and I think Jonathan and Lindsay are flirting like only 9-year-old kids know how! I have to start setting up, I go into the living room to find Janet jumping on the couch with her shoes on her hands, making little black marks on the ceiling,

"Janet, dear, that's no way to behave!"

"But Mummy I love bouncing, we bounced at school, we rented a bouncy house and Ms Collins saided since we getted the pizza free she'd let us bounce while she was flirting with a man who had big fat muscles and a man-tank top on." I should have known. That irresponsible woman has been endangering the lives of children! I should have known the second I saw her, with her TNA sweater, and the fact that she smelled like perfume and and cream soda. She's a nut. And some children are allergic to nuts...

**Evie Majors's POV.**

I'm helping my little baby boys pack for their Christmas sleepover at the house with two kitchens! They're getting so big! Then again, Mark and I are going with them... Brad runs down the hall,

"STEVE STOP REGURGITATING ME!" He hides behind me, along comes my youngest baby, Steven Isaac Majors, he's 3 and cute as an egg!

"Mommy..." says Brad, "Steve keeps regurgitating me, like this." Brad pokes my arm, "Like that!"

"That's a fiblet!" says Steve, "I di'nt poke nobody!" Brad pokes Steve back and he screams, "STOP IT, BRAD! YOU'RE MEAN! I HATE YOU!"

"GO EAT A CARROT!"

"DIAPER!"

"SOCK!"

"MOULDY-HEAD!"

"JOCK STRAP!"

"What's that word mean?"

"It's a thing and it-" I slap my hand over Brad's mouth,

"That's enough out of you, little man, did you finish packing? Do you have your inhaler?"

"Yes."

"Your allergy medication?"

"Yes."

"Your spare glasses?"

"Yes."

"Your contacts?"

"Jonathan has contacts."

"Oh, right... Insulin?"

"I don't know what that is..."

"Well, this is your first sleepover! I'm just a little worried, just a little tiny titch..."

"I packed underwear and socks and clothes."

"Your toothbrush?"

"Yes."

"Your special raspberry toothpaste?"

"Yes Mommy."

"Well, Brad, I think you're ready!"

"Yes Mommy." My oldest, Jonathan comes down the hall,

"Hey Brad, pull my finger."

"Okay, I'm gonna be like a baby, like Frank's sister, they're allowed to pull fingers, babies are, because they're a baby." Brad tugs Jonathan's finger, Jonathan inflates his new Whoopie cushion and makes it fart right behind Brad's head,

"HEY, JON! THAT SCARED ME!"

"HA HA HA HA HA! LOSER!"

"YOU'RE A LOSER!"

"BOYS, BOYS, PLEASE!" I separate them, "We have to go soon!"

* * *

We get to the Weiss residence and Janet answers the door in the cheesiest get-up I have ever saw.

"Hi, Majorses. Refreshments are on the table, Lindsey will take your coats." Lindsey comes over, Jonathan stares at her like a nutball,

"Hi Lindsey..."

"Hi Jonathan!"

"Wanna go get some bubbly juice?"

"Yeah!" That Susan, she always has bubbly juice at her parties.

...

I go upstairs to check on Stevie and Adrienne to find Janet banging on the bathroom door,

"COME ON, LINDSEY, I GOTTA GO!"

"Gee wiz, Janet, calm the fudge down!"

"YOU'RE MAKIN' ME MAD! I GOTTA GO PEE!"

"What's wrong Janet?" I ask,

"Lindsey won't get out of the bathroom, she's buggin' me, I gotta take a pee."

"Why don't you use the downstairs bathroom?"

"Because Brad's in there." I bring Janet downstairs, I can hear Brad talking to somebody, does he always talk to himself in the washroom? I open the door to find Brad sitting in the sink on the phone.

"Who's that on the phone, Brad?"

"NOBODY! (yeah, just a second,) Go away. (No, not you, my mom...)"

"I HAFTA PEE!" screams Janet, "I'M ABOUT TO HAVE A ACCIDENT!"

"DON'T CARE! (I miss you too...)" I grab the phone out of Brad's hands, I hear a girl's voice,

"BRAD IS HANGING UP NOW BECAUSE JANET IS ABOUT TO HAVE AN ACCIDENT, CALL BACK LATER, OUR PHONE NUMBER IS 123-456-1234! THAT ISN'T REALLY OUR REAL PHONE NUMBER BUT I DON'T LIKE THE IDEA OF BRAD TALKING TO GIRLS ON THE PHONE, GOODBYE AND MERRY CHRISTMAS!" Brad jumps out of the sink and grabs the phone back, "Who was that, young man?"

"A person."

"I need more information."

"A girl person."

"I need a description. Do you like this girl." Brad looks at Janet and spits out the word like vomit,

"YES. _I like this girl._"

"I KNOW THIS GIRL!" Janet screams, "She's weird, she's a little baby who skipped two grades! _And_ she **doesn't** brush her hair."

"YES SHE DOES!" Brad screams back, "AND SHE ISN'T YOU, JANET!" Lindsey screams downstairs from the bathroom,

"JANET, I'M DONE!"

"I HATE YOU BRAD!"

"I HATE YOU TOO!"

"BUT I LOVE YOU AT THE SAME TIME!"

"TOUGH CHEEZ CURLS!" Brad runs away, I run after him, I find him upstairs hiding behind Stevie in Adrienne's room,

"Brad Majors, I need to talk to you. _Now!_"

"NO!" Brad runs downstairs, he's hiding somewhere, I can't use the 'I've-got-candy trick again because I used that last week when he didn't want to eat spinach.

"Oh no, I can't find Brad..." I hear giggling coming from inside a cabinet, "Maybe I'll call that girl back and tell her all about Brad's guard rails on his bed..." Brad jumps out of the cabinet,

"I DON'T EVEN HAVE GUARD RAILS! I USE CHAIRS IN CASE I FALL OUT OF BED! Okay, I usually end up sleeping in the chairs, BUT ANYWAY! DON'T TELL MAGENTA ABOUT MY CHAIRS!" Jon and Lindsey come down the stairs, Jon gasps,

"You're dating a dog?"

"SHE'S NOT A DOG!"

"Magenta's a dog from Blue's Clues! Remember, Steve was watching Blue's Clues last night, and there was the pink dog and you were like, 'Janet thinks Magenta's weird, but I think _she's _weird.', you might wanna tell people which Magenta you're talking about."

"THERE'S TWO OF THEM!"

"But you can't date someone on TV, half the people (and dogs) on TV aren't even real... Mommy said Misty isn't real and I should just give up on her because she's a cartoon character who dresses cheap. So I like Lindsey now."

"That's right." says Lindsey, "We're the next Bradgelina!"

"I'M NOT DATING A BALLERINA MOUSE!" Brad hollers,

"Oh yeah," says Jon, "You're dating a _dog._"

"SHE IS NOT A DOG!"

"Dog dog dog dog dog dog dog dog dog dog dog dog dog."

"PERSON PERSON PERSON PERSON PERSON PERSON PERSON PERSON PERSON PERSON PERSON PERSON!" Susan comes downstairs from the upstairs kitchen,

"What is all this racket?" Brad runs over to Susan and slams his teary face into her pink gingham apron,

"JONATHAN SAID I'M DATING A DOG!"

"Why would he say that, Brad?"

"I DON'T KNOW!"

"Yes you do." says Jon, "You're dating a dog." Brad starts to cry harder,

"I AM NOT!"

"Yes you are."

"AM NOT AM NOT AM NOT!" Brad lays face-down on the floor, "Go away Jon."

* * *

At dinner, Susan starts to fawn over Brad,

"You know, Brad, you would just be so adorable if you knew how to wash your hands." I spot the opportunity for a comeback,

"Janet, you would be absolutely darling if you didn't have so much dirt under your nails."

"Evie, are you _flirting _with my daughter?"

"Why, no, I'm not, Susan, I happen to be married with three sons in a loving relationship with my husband of 10 years, Mark Preston Majors. Are you flirting with my baby boy, Brad?"

"I am _not_ that kind of woman, _Evelyn_, and you would do _well_ to understand that."

"I _do_ understand that."

"Good." Brad joins the conversation,

"Mommy, this turkey tastes funny."

"That's because it's _tofu. _See, Susan here is on a diet, so she doesn't eat regular turkey because she's afraid of calories."

"Unlike Evie, who shovels them down her throat like her life depends on it."

"I like to be healthy."

"Toe food?" Brad starts to remove his sock,

"No, _TOOOOOOO-FUUUUUUU."_

"So toooooeeee-foooooooood."

"Not toe-food, Brad."

"Shucks. I wanted to try eating with my toes."

"Eat with your fork."

"Toe food."

"_**FORK FOOD**_."

"Let's just drop it." says Lindsey, "Who wants egg nog?"

"Not me." says Brad, "Yech."

"That isn't necessary." I shoot back, "You can just say 'no thank you'. I'm sorry everybody, Brad may be going to bed early tonight." Susan joins in the conversation,

"Oh, yes, my little Adri used to do that."

"Just what exactly are you implying?"

"I'm implying that your son is being immature."

"Don't you dare tell me about my son!"

"Don't you dare ask me what I'm implying!"

"LADIES!" shouts Joseph, "Can the two of you please just go upstairs and settle your problems?"

* * *

After Susan and I settle our problems we go back downstairs to finish our soy turkey. A few minutes later we hear a crash from the upstairs kitchen and realize that Adrienne and Steve are nowhere to be found, We run upstairs to find both kids sitting in our dessert. Cherry and lime jello. Susan falls to her knees,

"KIDS! WHY? CHRISTMAS IS RUINED!"

Joseph and Mark devise a plan for a quick dessert, Susan lays down on the couch and whines about her 'hard work' going 'down the drain', actually, it went into Steve and Adrienne's underwear, and now whenever they sit down you hear a squelching sound.

The men get home in about an hour with a bulging CVS bag,

"We got lucky, y'all!" says Mark, "Turns out the owners of the Denton CVS are Jewish, and they're open until dawn!"

"WE'RE SAVED!" Susan squeals, "But, Mark, what exactly is inside that bag?"

And that is how The Majors and Weiss families came to be eating sour keys and grape soda on Christmas Eve.

* * *

The kids are having a great time playing Wii in the basement. Everything goes wrong when they turn off the Wii and decide to watch Blue's Clues.

"This is my favourite show!" I hear Steve say downstairs,

"Me too!" says Adrienne, "I like the part with the dog."

"So does Brad." Steve turns the volume up all the way,

"_HI MAGENTA-" _says the TV,

"This is Brad's favourite part!" says Jonathan,

"That's not very nice." says Janet,

"I wanna go home." Brad whines, I hear a thump, the TV being turned off and a child crying.

"TURN IT BACK ON, BRAD!"

"GO AWAY STEVE!"

"OUCH! YOU HIT ME!"

"YOU'RE DARN-TOOTIN' I HITCHA!"

"DON'T SAY THE D-T WORD!"

"ZIP IT, JANET!"

"DON'T YOU DARE TELL MY SISTER TO ZIP IT, YOU ZIP IT, BRADLEY HOLDEN MAJORS!" I hear another small thump and a sharp squeal, "OW! BRAD! IT ISN'T NICE TO KICK PEOPLE!"

"YOU'RE NOT MY MOTHER, LINDSEY MARTHA WEISS!"

"NOW YOU'RE IN FOR IT!" shouts Jonathan, I hear yet another thump and Brad screaming, I run downstairs to find Jonathan sitting on Brad's head, Steve crying and sucking his knee, Adrienne with her thumb in her belly-button, oblivious to the situation, Janet is sitting behind the couch picking her nose and Lindsey is rubbing her left shin.

* * *

I wake up the next morning to find the kids all sitting on my bed, as soon as I open my eyes they run downstairs,

...

I got a nice haul today. From the Weisses, some new mixing bowls (In orange, Susan remembered!), from Mark, some nice new jars to keep the dry pasta in, and the boys each made me a card, so they took partial credit for Mark's jars. I love Christmas, I love my family, and I love everyone. Especially those who price food nicely, the Denton CVS has some sweet deals.

* * *

**Lavender's POV. the 23rd.**

Frankie wanted to go Christmas shopping. So far I've been around the entire mall four times and Frank has given my wallet quite the little workout, he even got presents for his darling little friends! Except I don't know if I like the idea of my son playing and skipping around with that Brad boy, his mother is a yokel in a pantsuit! Anyway, my wallet hurts! My sister Chastity is coming over today, she's divorced and has two daughters, Annabeth and Sondra, and Alexis's sister Minnie, she has a teenage son and daughter, Problem is, Arlene-Jenna is one of those kids, Minnie and her ex-husband Donny couldn't decide on one name so they named her two. The girl is a nut-house who watches Rated R movies in my home. Frankie walked right in on her while she was watching some movie that is completely inappropriate for his delicate mind. I also invited my friend Francesca and her son Rockford, they live in California and they're in town for Francesca's husband's business trip (Who the fudge goes on a business trip to Denton?) Rockford is blonde and adorable, and he can eat like a pig, so I better hit the grocery store later today... But, right now, I'm standing outside yet another changing room, where Frank is trying on yet another dress,

"MOMMY, COME IN AND ZIP ME UP!" I open the door to find Frank standing with his skirt around his ankles, I zip up the dress in the back,

"You look precious!"

"Are you sure you zipped it up? I don't wanna flash anyone."

"Don't say that word again, Frankie, we don't talk about that kind of thing."

"Sorry." Frank starts to turn around trying to see the zipper at the back, "I can't see it, are you sure you did it up?"

"I'm very sure I did it up."

"Promise?"

"Just because you can't see doesn't mean it isn't there."

"So there's no zipper?"

"Frank, I did it up, there is a zipper, and you look very pretty."

"Good. I think we should get this one." he starts to take off the red velvet dress, it's red, with a white frilly collar and long sleeves, very eight-year-old-girl. I think my son is adorable, no matter what gender he wants to be. Maybe he's going to be like Isis King, first gender-correction, then Top Model! He's such a good boy... He puts his skirt and sweater back on and runs to the cash, right through a rack of shorts. Who the heck sells shorts in December?

I set the dress on the counter, and Frank is smiling widely at the checkout girl,

"Hi."

"Hi, are you having fun?"

"Hell yeah!" says Frank, chinning himself deliberately on the counter,

"Frankie, don't talk like that!"

"Oh that's alright!" says the checkout girl, "He's cute!"

"Thanks, 'Hello-My-Name-Is-Marcia'!"

"You're adorable."

* * *

When Frank and I get home, we find the baby in her highchair, there are mashed peas on the walls and Alexis is laying on the carpet, the TV is talking crap about the alphabet and Elmo's relationship with his goldfish named Dorothy.

"Moo-my." says Joanne, grabbing her foot, "TOE."

"I've watched this episode seventy-four times." whines Alexis, "It hurts."

"Oh, get up, you nutty man!" Alexis stands up, somebody knocks on the door, I answer and Chastity runs inside,

"ATTY TATTY!" screams Joanne,

"JUICE-BOX!" responds Chastity, grabbing my daughter, "Oh, is that my little Frankie? You got so big!"

"I've been cutting down on the carbs!"

"You are ADORABLE!" Chastity sits down on the newly-vacuumed couch, dirtying it... That selfish creeper. Someone else knocks on the door, it's Francesca and Rockford!

"HI KIDS!" screams Francesca, "Oh, right, I probably forgot to tell you, Lavender, Minnie and the kids are having car trouble, they're coming tomorrow!" Whoopee. Arlene-Jenna. Postponed.

* * *

I sit the kids in the basement in front of a G-rated movie. Annabeth finds the popcorn, like a damn bloodhound.

After about an hour, I get Alexis to start on the egg nog, he's being a dumb bunny, confusing the glass bowl with the crystal bowl. When I find him he's standing over the two bowls holding an open bottle of rum,

"Hey, Spice-Melon! Gonna get all buzzed up tonight?" He asks like a little boy,

"Lexy-muffin... I'm a mommy now! I can't get nutty in front of the gibblies!"

"Frankie-seed and JoJo are big kids now!"

"JoJo is a year old! And Frankie is turning eight in March."

"How 'bout after they go sleepy-bye?"

"N.O SPELLS NO."

"Okay fine. Which is the adult bowl?"

"Crystal. And don't mix it up! I'll be drinking from the kiddy bowl." I love my little Lexy-muffin, but he can be so silly.

...

When the kids's movie is over they come upstairs, Annabeth announces,

"Gimme some frickin' chicken milk."

"We have to wait till everyone gets here." Says Frank, "My daddy saves the egg nog in the fridge for a zillion years. until it's full of cinnamon and it burns the inside of your cheeks." Bull poopies. He only saves it for a few hours!

"That's a nice mental image, Boustier." says an obnoxious voice in the foyer, I turn around to see my nutty niece, wearing what I hope is an aerobics leotard, "Can I have my hug now?" Frank runs at Arlene-Jenna, "Wow, you're frickin' strong! You're my favourite cousin!"

"Whattaboutme!" Annabeth hollers, "IMMYAFAVVITCUZIN!"

"You're both my favourite cousins!" You're not my favourite niece! And yes, I'm an evil aunt!

"Aunt Lavender."

"Arlene." The little nut goes into the kitchen and gets some egg nog from the fridge, Minnie emerges in the doorway,

"Hi Lav. We actually got here early. Jonah changed the tire like a snap."

"That makes absolutely no sense whatsoever."

"Ha, you're funny. Can you check my coat?"

"My house doesn't have a coat check."

"I meant for lice."

"Why?"

"Oh, Annabeth hugged me, lice would ADORE that girl's head. Wow, it sure is great to be back in Dentonia!"

"Denton."

"Whatever!" Jonah shoves her out of the way,

"Auntie Lavender!"

"Oh great..."

* * *

About an hour later we serve the egg nog and the kids start winding up. I've decided that this year, I'm actually going to loosen up for once in my life, the kids are going to be fine and I live here, so I'm not any designated driver or nothin'. I just can't seem to loosen up. Chastity is eating her way through an entire loaf of baguette. My choo-choo-train of thought is interrupted by a loud squeal from downstairs followed by a few jolly cheers, I run downstairs to find Annabeth kissing Rockford with Frank crying and slamming the keys of the piano. Who knew my son could scream out such a depressing-ass rendition of Justin Bieber's _Mistletoe_. I still say he's for girls, but Frankie is insistent, I took the kid to one concert and came home with purple glitter in my ears and Frank had spent Alexis's perfectly good paychecks on posters of a boy in white pants surrounded by purple bubbles and screaming girls. Oh well, the boy wanted to change his name to Francine when he was four so I guess it's nothing irregular. He's my little pie-face-spice-melon-tylenol-wipe-snowball-secretary-muffin-corn... Annabeth and Rockford break apart and Annabeth pulls off her skirt to show a diaper, it's one of Joanne's. It's made of pillow fluff and saran wrap.

"LOOKIT ME! IMMA BABY!" The kids crack up and lay on the ground until I smack the wall with a tire iron,

"CHILDREN, CALM DOWN!" Frank stands up,

"YOU'RE IN MY PERSONAL SPACE!" Frank starts to trip and falls onto the piano, his mouth comes down most unnecessarily hard on middle C. "Wow, that cleared on up ma sinuses!" I drag the kid upstairs only to be sidechecked by Francesca, who is running down the stairs,

"Lav, hi, have you seen Rocky?"

"Downstairs."

"YUP!" hollers Frank, "He-was kissin' on ma cuz! I was all pissy-pop 'bout it, y'know!" Frank wails and drops to the floor sobbing,

"C'mon Francesca, I gotta show you somethin', go get Rockford and my niece."

"The tall one? With the inappropriate clothing?"

"No, the one in the diaper."

"Oh, okay." Francesca grabs the kids and I lead her out to the car. I buckle the kids in and start to drive away, from the back, I can hear Frank say,

"It's the physics of baseball that has always interested me."

"Frankie, what the hell have you been drinking?"

"Egg nog, lots and lots o' egg nog! Wee!"

"From which bowl?"

"The pretty crystal one in the basement of course, silly mommy-" He turns to Annabeth, "Did I ever tell you how cool you are? Y're all kindsa awsumm..."

"Uh oh." says Francesca, "Lav, check it out!" she points straight ahead to where some cops are standing, doing one of them road-side checks for drunk drivers, we pull up slowly to them and Rockford blurts out,

"Heeeyyy, yo, we ain't da droids y'allz lookin' fo'."

"What's the problemo, officer?" says Francesca,

"Don't try t'sweet talk me, madam."

"Oops." The policeman points a machine at me, at first I think it's a gun but later realize it's only one of them alcohol testy-thingies.

"Blow." I blow, and the cops are astonished to discover that there is no alcohol whatsoever in my bloodstream.

"Can I blow too?" says Frank,

"I don't think that's a very good idea, Frankie."

"I don't mind!" says the cop, Frank blows, "You see, ma'am, if you had been drinking, this little light on here..." His voice trails off, Frank smiles sweetly from the backseat. "Son, I'm gonna ask you to get out of the car."

"I'M NOT YOUR SON! COME AN' GET ME, COPPER!" and then he throws up. Rockford laughs loudly,

"WOW! HOW 'BOUTZ DOZE PEARS?"

"It's apples, honey." That kid, I knew he was trouble the second he fell through the third floor and into the kitchen, and proceeded to roll weights down the stairs. I can't deal with kids anymore... Oh God!

* * *

I get home with the kids to find all the other kids asleep and the adults all sober. I get the kids into bed,

"What happened?" I ask,

"Well," says Chastity, "Someone mixed up the bowls for the egg nog. The kids got drunk, Jonah, he got Joanne, put her in a laundry hamper, wrapped himself in a shower curtain, he was like, 'I'm the three-wise-men, and that's the Baby Jesus'. The only kid who wasn't drunk was Arlene-Jenna, turns out she was trying to get destroyed..." Why am I not surprised...

* * *

That morning, I wake up to find everyone downstairs, after Santa-set-up last night, a girl gets tired! I go downstairs to find the kids diving in...

...

I like my presents! I got a whole corn-load of gift cards, Alexis got me this amazing vegan cookbook that I'll be using for a zillion years! The kids collaborated on a huge card and a few tubs of moisturizer, Frank used half of one of the cartons, but, anyway... I had a great Christmas this year, now it's time to start planning for New Years...


	11. The Best Birthday Present Ever

**School Days.**

**Brad's Boy/Girl sleepover party! Oh, BTW, Brad's hick grandparents will be making a bunch more appearances.**

* * *

Evie's POV. January 15th.

Brad is going to be eight today. My parents are coming over and he's having a sleepover with his nice little playmates! My mother, Fanny-Mae, is very good at shopping and is a pageant legend back in Texas, and my dad, Cleatus, knows everything there is to know about football.

* * *

After all the kids arrive, my parents show up, the first thing my father says when he gets through the door is,

"DAMMIT, EVELYN, CAN'T A MAN GET A DAMNED BUD LIGHT AROUND HERE?" Followed by my mother,

"AH, EVE! AIR HUGS, MY ACRYLICS ARE STILL WET!" Brad and his little girlfriend, Montana, come upstairs, or is it Miranda? Whatever...

"GRANDMA GRANDPA!"

"Ah! My future Republican!" says my dad, "Evie, the kid's hair's grown past his ears, I can't put up with you raisin' some little beatnik."

"Oh, who's this little lady, you've brought home to your momma?" says my mom,

"HI!" says Mikayla, "I'm Magenta Allison Elizabeth London Brandi Tina Lucine Ophelia Idina Alvarado-McAllistor and I think you smell like something I don't want to eat, now you introduce yourself before I get bored and go away."

"Hi, little lady, I'm Fanny-Mae Braxton, I'm 65, I can only talk Americanian, I have implants on both ends and I'm a beautician! See my nails? They can kill a man with one swipe. I speak from experience."

"Beautician? Beauty? You don't look very beautiful."

"Shame on you, little lady."

"I'm not named Little Lady. You're silly and non-beautiful and you have big claws!"

* * *

When it's time for the youngens to jump in their jammies and run off the Sleepy-Bye, they all go into Brad's room for their Nighttime-Nap. All our air mattresses are getting purifitized at the communal-clothin'-cleanerinofier **(Evie-talk for dry-cleaners.)** so the little bunny-boos all have to sleep in Brad's bed. I've arranged them nicely to keep things platonicalocity, like this, Madonna, Brad, Ryan, Janet, Edward, Christina, the quadruplets and Lavender's little boy, Fred. **(Madonna is Magenta, Ryan is Randall, Edward is Eddie, Christina is Columbia, the quadruplets are the triplets and Fred is Frank.)** Once they're in bed, my dad and Jon go into the bedroom to tell them a bedtime story.

Magenta's POV.

Jonathan and Brad's Grandpa are going to tell us a night-night story. I like story-time. Randy telled me a story about a giant squish **(squash)** that goed on a killing spree, that was a silly story. So Jonathan starts the story like this...

"Once upon a time there was a bunch of kids in... second grade! And they were having a sleepover... That night, they heard a funny sound... _skritch...skritch...skreeee-skreeeee-skraaatch...RRRAAAAAARRRR-SNAP! _And the monster under the bed gobbled them whole!"

"That sounds like the tale of Jonathan Knight!"

"SHUT IT, JANET!"

Brad's POV.

A few people are asleep. So that means Magenta, Lisa, Patricia, Frank and Columbia. Janet is the only girl awake. All us man-boys are talking about Magenta and how pretty she is until we hear a scary scratching under my bed.

"What's that?" says Randall,

"Don't know." says Brian, "But it's creeping my buns!"

"Scary!" says Eddie.

"Do you think it's the monster?"

"No, that story's just something my brother came up with to scare us."

Scritch.

"SCARY!" Magenta falls out of bed,

"GET HER!" I say to Randall.

"It might drag me under there!"

"Will someone just get me already?" Magenta says from under the bed, I put my hand down-**WOW! **IT'S OUR FIRST TIME HOLDING HANDS! I LOVE MY RELATIONSHIP WITH A FEMALE STUDENT THAT CAN GET ME IN TROUBLE WITH MY MOTHER YOUNG MAN! Magenta gets back into bed, I move her between me and Randall so she won't fall out anymore and the monster will get me first.** (A/N yes, little Brad is less of a creep than in Sins, little Brad is more like Deleted Scenes Brad.) **She falls back asleep, and me too, then I hear the noise again, it's a good thing everybody else is still awake!

"What was that?"

"The monster, y'all!"

"You sound like my grandma."

"Shut up."

* * *

The next morning, all of us go to the kitchen, my mommy maked chocolatey pancake deliciousness. And when we all go downstairs for breakfast, me and Magenta get to sit together. That's the best birthday present ever.


	12. Happy Valentime Card Day!

**School Days. Valentines Day! With references to _What's In The Dark? _by Carl Memling and illustrated by John E. Johnson.**

* * *

Brad's POV.

It's Valentime Day tomorrow, that means I have to send a girl a card and she has to send me one and I have to eat her face under the mistletoe- wait, that's Christmas... There's lots of snow outside, so I have to wear snowpants when I go outside. Anyway, I'm gonna send a card to Magenta, I'm gonna put it on her table before class starts. Miss Collins made us all make Valentime Day cards yesterday for the person we like, but some people don't like anyone, so they just made cards for random people. Some people are really bad at making cards, Randall just cut up a bunch of paper into little shreds and wrote people's names on them, and Columbia is just giving out pieces of wool. I'm gonna make a nice card for Magenta, and put it in her desk, I'm gonna go to the dollar store to get feathers and fluffy stuff. I just need to learn how to spell 'Love'.

...

My card turned out amazing. It's big and fluffy and I chopped up my mommy's lace curtains for the fluffy lace on the border, and on the inside it says,

EYE LUBV U, MAJENTAH.

She's gonna love it. And then, she'll love me, and I'll have a girlfriend. That will be fun.

* * *

The next day at school, Miss Collins makes us all sit down until recess, I go over to Magenta and say,

"Hey, do you like jam sandwiches?"

"They're okay."

"Well, I have one, if you wanna trade..."

"What kind?"

"Blueberry."

"Blueberry makes me throw up."

"Oh... yeah, me too..."

"You're eating it right now..."

"Oh, right, when I eat it with butter it doesn't make me... throw up..."

"I know you like me, so you can just stop."

"HEY! WHO TOLD YOU THAT?"

"Well, Columbia told me that Macy in third grade told her that Nation was told by Lisa that Richard in _4th grade _told her that his neighbour Sue told him that she heard from Janet who heard it from Ralph in Miss Jackson's class, who heard it from Frank who heard it from you."

"I didn't tell that much people..."

"Anyway, I don't know who I like, so you're just going to have to wait."

"I can do that! I'll wait for you forever!"

"I thought you liked Janet!"

"Oh, yeah, sure, like that could ever happen, my mommy just wants me to like her."

"Why?"

"She wants us to make nice Catholic babies."

"What?"

"Never mind."

"One time I put a teeny hat on my toe. It got sticked and I had to scream until my daddy taked it off."

"Did you know I'm a beatnik? I learned that word this morning on TV."

"I don't know what that is."

"Some guy wearing a tie said it. He was yelling at people and this little kid was crying and the guy in the tie flipped out and ran away and he was eating at a restaurant and then some girl comed and she was like, 'I'm sorry I left you, Pierre', and he was like, 'Oh Alyssia', and then it went to commercial, did you know there's a Valentime Day Blowout Sale at Sears pertaining to all love-related merchandise including lingerie and select makeup, and Katy Perry's Purr, one day only while supplies last?"

"My daddy weared a tie once. He spilled wine on it and he was like 'AW THIS IS SOME SERIOUS B.S!' and my mommy getted mad."

"Is B.S a bad word."

"Nope."

"B.S B.S B.S B.S B.S B.S B.S B.S B.S!"

"B.S B.S B.S B.S B.S B.S B.S B.S B.S BBBBBBB-SSSSSSSS!" We sing the B.S song unti Miss Collins gets angry.

...

Columbia's POV.

I have a big problem. I have bacon in my lunch. I have to hide under the backpacks until I finish it, know why? Because Brad has bacon and I don't feel like talking to him right now. He smells like Downy fabric softener and he makes loud sounds and he likes Magenta and he has a BLT. I want to make it go up his nose. Magenta and Brad are singing a silly song about letters and Randall and Eddie are having a cake contest. Frank comes over and sits next to me,

"Can I have lunch under here?"

"Okay. I'm the only one under here because I have bacon."

"That's nice. I can't go out there because I have Lima beans and, remember when Janet and me wrote those rules for lunch?"

"Yeah. You didn't put anything in about not having candy at lunch."

"Well, Janet wrote that Lima beans were against the rules so now everybody hates me and I have to hide."

"I have bacon."

"So?"

"It has chocolate on it."

"WAIT, WHAT? CHOCOLATE BACON?" The whole class turns around,

"I hate you." I scream back as I run out the door.

...

Frank's POV. For possibly the first time, surprisingly.

I think Columbia hates me because I told everyone she likes to eat chocolatey bacon. It's pretty weird, though. It's meat with chocolate on it, that's a little strange. So now she's crying in the bathroom and Magenta and Janet are in there talking about how much they hate us. By us I mean 'the male portion of Azisiekah's classroom', that's what my mommy calls us. The triplet girls aren't here today. They're sick. That's what Brian said and he knows everything. Janet and Magenta come into the class,

"I hope you boys are happy." says Janet, "Because of you, Columbia said she doesn't want to come back to school tomorrow."

"Yeah. I think you're all rude."

"You're all rude-heads."

"Yeah. Rude-heads."

"You're all rude bum-heads and I hate you."

"Me too. Bum-heads!"

"STINK-BOMB FART-POO TURDY-HEAD-FACES-FART-PEE! Oh, my God, I just said a curse!" Columbia comes up behind them,

"I hope you all die!" She sits at her desk and throws a pencil at my head. She's rude. One time, I throwed a Barbie shoe at my daddy and he telled me to 'behave myself, little mister, or no dessert for me.'.

Brad's POV.

I give Magenta her Valentime Day card at the end of the day, when I give it to her she's like,

"Why are you giving me a card for Janet?"

"What? I writted your name on it!"

"No. You crossed it out and writted Janet on the front." She holds up the card, Janet writted her name on it! That turtle-head-barf-ball-vomitrocious-kitty-kibble-chunklet!

* * *

London's POV.

I'm taking the kids to the circus as part of their Valentines Day present, I got each of them a coffee cup with their initial on it, Randall unwrapped his, took one look and said, and I quote,

"Cool, what is it and where do I plug it in?" Magenta was more subtle,

"I think this sippy-cup lost it's lid..." I pick the kids up from the bus, only to see Lavender and Evie Majors standing there in matching red and pink heart sweaters, smiling their asses off. It's cute when you're five, but thirty years later, it's just plain wrong.

"Hello, London."

"Hi Evie."

"Hello, London."

"Hi Lavender."

"Say, London, has Magenta been talking about my son a lot lately?" says Evie, she sounds suspiscious,

"No, why?"

"Oh, well, Brad has been talking about her lately, I mean, her name was on his Christmas list, and he recently cut up my good lace curtains in an attempt to make her a Valentine."

"I will be speaking to Magenta about that." The bus pulls up and the kids file out, Randall stops on the bottom step and leans off, landing face-down on the sidewalk, "OH HONEY, ARE YOU OKAY?"

"Yeah. I'm tired, I wanna go t'bed. NOW!" Magenta gets off and walks right over him,

"MOMMY, MOMMY, MOMMY! BRAD MADE ME THIS PRETTY CARD! But... Janet wrote her name on it before he gived it to me."

"It's true." says Brad through a mouthful of his own thumb, "I seed her." Frank hops off the bus,

"I LOVE LOVE, MOMMY!"

"Oh, my little muffin! I love you, too!"

"COLUMBIA GIVED ME A VALENTIME DAY CARD!" Oh Lord, I worry about the pronunciation of the future.

* * *

The kids and I get to the circus, okay, so it's a hockey arena minus the ice, it's Denton, cut us some frickin' slack. We go inside and a few minutes after the show starts, Randall begins to die of boredom.

"Mommy, this is boring. It's just a bunch of people in tights bouncing around."

"But they've got lions, and tigers, and bears."

"Oh My!" says Magenta on my other side, drowning herself in her cotton candy, "This feels like fuzz in my mouth! WOW, LOOKIT THAT BIATCH FLY!" she screeches, pointing at the trapeze person whizzing through the air and jumping down onto the shoulders of some buff dude covered in glitter and plastic cupcakes. They clear out and the ringmaster comes out and says,

"And now, give it up for Anya the Alluring and her partner, Andy!" A girl who looks like she'd be more at home in an environment completely inappropriate for a five and seven year old and a guy who looks like he's just come out of his mother's basement walk onstage, Anya attaches herself to a board and Andy pulls out a bunch of swords,

"HIYA!"

"WHIP 'EM ANDY-KINS!" Andy starts to throw the swords, they stick in the board, narrowly missing Anya's exposed body, Randall's eyes are gleaming.

"Don't get any ideas, kid."

"Wouldn't dream of it, mommy."

...

I take the kids home and they disappear upstairs, I get dinner started, I'm making grilled cheese and bacon. The kids come back downstairs and my eyes pop out of my head, Randall has drawn a gross mustache on his face and is wearing a turban and a pair of Jake's boxers with gold star stickers on them. Magenta is wearing one of my bathing suits with Kleenex sticking out of the leg holes and her hair has somehow been fitted into a toilet paper tube so just a little puff of hair sticks out at the top. I take a picture for the family Christmas card on my phone before they have time to protest.

"We're gonna go play downstairs."

"Okay kids, have fun." The kids go into the basement, I hear a few noises of something sticking in something else, suddenly I hear Magenta screaming,

"OW! RANDY, I DON'T LIKE THIS GAME!"

"Shut up, it's just a stupid dart!"

"No! MOMMY! HELP!" she runs upstairs with a dart in her leg, there's a little bit of blood running down her shin,

"Princess, what happened?"

"RANDY HITTED ME WITH A DART!" She shows me the dart stuck in her leg, "I want it out now!"

"I'm not supposed to take it out, that's what I learned in the babysitting course." Randall comes upstairs and stops when he sees his sister crying,

"I didn't do it."

"Go to your room."

"NO!" he sits down on the floor and grabs onto the leg of a chair, my husband Jake comes through the door,

"Hey kids and London! I'm home, whatcha doin'?"

"Well, your daughter has a dart in her leg and your son is staging a sit-in."

"You're vomitrocious, mommy."

"DON'T YOU TALK TO ME LIKE THAT, RANDALL MCALLISTOR!" in a rage, I yank the dart out of Magenta's leg, she screams. "I'm sorry, honey, Randy, go to your room."

"I DON'T WANNA!"

"Go!" Randall runs away to his room,

"I don't wanna hear you watchin' TV up there, kid!" yells Jake,

"You think we should take her to an emergency room?"

"It's just a little dart, I think she's okay."

"We're going."

"NO!" screams Magenta, grabbing onto my leg, "REMEMBER WHEN I BREAKED MY LEG, AND THEY PUTTED THE CAST ON THE WRONG LEG?"

"You have leg problems, we get it, you have vulnerable knees, can it, kid, this is for your own good." Jake ensures, grabbing her and dragging her to the car, I run upstairs to get Randall, I hear what sounds like tiny conversation coming from my room, Randall is sitting in my closet sharing a box of Girl Scout cookies with a few of Magenta's Barbie dolls and the dolls he made last year for her birthday. Okay, so those dolls are only shreds of corduroy couch upholstery with button eyes sewn on and pipe cleaner legs, but it's the thought that counts.

"Mommy, you weren't invited to my party."

"We have to go, we're going to the hospital."

"Are you in cardiassical arrestation?"

"No, Magenta has a dart in her leg, come on, let's go."

"Nuts. I had my fingers crossed on cardiassical arrestation. I could a-fibber-late you with my night-light. It shocked Magenta. That was so silly..." Randall stands up and walks downstairs. When we get to the car, Magenta asks,

"Mommy, did you get Tingy?"

"Magenta, you can't bring Tingy everywhere with you."

"BUT I WANT TINGY!"

"Okay! I'll get Tingy!" I run back into the house and search Magenta's room for Tingy, Tingy is her blanket. My mother-in-law made it when she was born and they've been inseparable ever since. Actually, Tingy isn't much of a blanket anymore, Tingy is kind of like a shrivelled up, crusty, stained napkin, at least that's what Magenta uses it for, she doesn't let me wash it, even though she wipes her face and hands on it and drags it places, and uses it to carry juice around. At last, I find that god-foresaken rag, grip it between my thumb and index finger and run back to the car, I throw Tingy onto my daughter's head and Jake drives away with Magenta and Tingy hugging it out in the backseat.

...

We pull up at the hospital and go into the ER, we immediately get rid of Magenta to a teeny little nurse in platforms, whatever, she still only comes up to my shoulder, and I'm only 5'6". The nurse comes back and says, in a voice that sounds like that Columbia kid that always has (way-too long) playdates at our house,

"Heeeelllloooooo, Loooooondiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnn... yoouuu caaan take your baaaaabyyyy hooooommmme noooooowwwww,"

"She had a foreign object stuck in her flesh."

"I taaaaaaped her uuuuuppp, iiiiit was juuuust a daaaart..."

"That's what _I _said!" shouts Randall, Jake covers his mouth.

"Weeeeeelllll, aaaaanyyyywaaaaayyyyy, heeeere sheeee iiiiisss, brrraaaaaaaaaave giiiirrrrrrrrl..." The nurse shoves Magenta out from behind her with gauze wrapped around her leg.

"Take me home now Mommy, I wanna grill-cheese sam-widge."

"And you can have one when we get home." Magenta starts to suck on a corner of Tingy but cuts her lip on a safety pin that isn't so safe,

"OWWWW!" she screams, loud enough for some kid with a cast to lean over and shush her, "I DON'T WANNA HAVE NO MORE OUCHIES TODAY!"

"Come on, kid. Randy, get your head out of there!" Jake yells, what Randy had his head in, I'll never know... We all get into the car and drive away, during the drive I hear a teeny voice coming from the back seat...

"I have a skin-tag, you have a skin-tag, we all have a skin-tag..."

"Randy, is that you?"

"Uh-uh..."

"Magenta? Your lip is swelling up, is it you?"

"Bope." Something tells me she meant to say Nope.

"Jake, if you're singing-"

"I'm not singing."

"I have a skin-tag-"

"THAT'S IT!" I stop the car, "I'm lookin' in th'trunk!" I get out of the car and look into the trunk, only to see that Brad kid in the back seat,

"Brad?"

"Hello, Mother of Randall and my little love-muffin. What brings you to my neck of the woods?"

"This is **MY CAR!** Why are you in here?"

"I rode to the hospital with you! I got in here while you were getting Tingy! It's Valentime Day, and I think Magenta looks like happiness."

"I'm driving you home. Your mother is going to be STEAMED!" Brad climbs into the backseat,

"Hi, Brad."

"Hi, Magenta...hee hee hee..."

"Hi, Brad. I stabbed Magenta with a dart and she thinks she's dying."

"Then you're a meanie-head."

* * *

I drive Brad back to his house. Once on the doorstep, Evie goes nuts on her beloved little bumpkin-in-training,

"BRADLEY HOLDEN MAJORS, I OUGHTA TEACH YOU A LESSON!"

"He was in the trunk of my car, he rode with us to the emergency room and back."

"NOW HWHY WOULD YOU SNEAK INTA LONDON'S CAHR?"

"I'm in love!"

"I KNOW! WITH JANET!"

"NO!" Brad sobs, kicking Evie in the shin and running into the house. Evie turns to me,

"Y'know, Lon. Down home, I woulda put the kid o'er my knee right here in frunna ya."

From this day alone, I can successfully say that I do not like hicks. Evie is the kind of hick that really makes you wonder what kind of nutty-ass trailer park she grew up in. I go back down the Astro-Turf encrusted walk and get into the car, Jake walked home and the kids are in the backseat eating the fries I bought them.

"Isn't he precious?" says Magenta with her mouth full,

"I'm giving you the silent treatment, Mommy."

"Good luck with that, Randy."

When we get back to the house, Jake has already made lambchops. By the time the kids finally settle down and sit at the table, they have already ingested six pieces of pie. Each.

"Can we say Grace?" says Magenta, hiding a few peas under her plate,

"Why not, Princess, we`re a nice Catholic family." Jake and the kids start to pray but I have no idea what's going on so I just go with it, Magenta makes up a prayer,

"Bless us oh Lord for the lambchop things that you gaved us... because we like them... and thank you for the 'licious ketchup and mustard and... juice and the peas even though they're yucky and green and thank you for Corn Flakes. The end." Magenta says the prayer and starts to attack a lambchop, Randall doesn't touch a single titch of anything.

"Randy, you have to eat your lambchops, they were given to us by God."

"Nope. They were gave to us by the grocery store."

"Listen, kid." says Jake, "You will eat your food or you will wear it."

"Eat it or wear it!"

"Magenta, focus on eating your food." I interject.

"Sorry, Mommy." Randall starts to put ketchup on his head and sticks out his tongue. Jake picks the kid up and runs up the stairs, Magenta abandons her plate and runs after them, I follow just in case Randall decides to go insane, I get into the bathroom just in time to see Jake pour a whole bowl of peas over Randall's head as he's standing in the bathtub, the kid is screaming loud enough to break glass.

"DADDY, YOU MAKED THE PEAS GO ON ME!"

"That's right. Do you promise to eat your peas now?"

"I CAN'T! THEY'RE IN MY HAIR!"

"Okay, kid. Let's go." Randall follows Jake downstairs, I can hear them talking about cats downstairs like nothing happened. It's not like they have to pull peas out of the drain for the next sixty years...

* * *

When it's time for the kids to go to sleep, Jake and I draw straws to see who has to put up with reading those kids bedtime stories. I lost. I go into the kids's room and let them pick out the book they want. Then, they climb on top of me and I try to read, even though they make better doors than windows when they're both on my lap. I start to read Magenta's favourite, a book that was even old when I was little called _What's In The Dark?_

"What's in the dark? After they've clicked the light off and everybody's said goodnight, what's in the dark?"

"Kitty-cats?"

"Good guess, Genta. The pants you wore today, your shoes, your socks, your t-shirt- They're in the dark." Randall silently points to the pile of outside-clothes on his bed. Magenta picks up her skirt and puts it on her head, "Your crayons in a jumbled pile, the new ones, used ones, broken ones- they're in the dark!"

"My crayons are in the light." says Randall, pointing to the crayons that are spilled around his nightlight, I continue the story,

"The radiator under the window makes a jiggety shadow on the wall in the dark." The kids turn and look at the radiator on their wall, two of Magenta's dolls are sititng on the windowsill. "Your cat-"

"KITTY-CAT!"

"Wow, Genta, you totally called that."

"Thanks, Randy."

"NP, biatch."

"Okay, kids, pay attention, your cat on the windowsill, curled in a soft fur ball- she's in the dark." Magenta grabs her stuffed cat off her bed and puts it next to her dolls,

"Now our room matches the story!"

"Your big sister's record player, is it playing in the dark?"

"I have a little sister, does that count?"

"What's a record player?"

"Something that plays music." My 'big sister' Jael always played her records while I was trying to sleep when we were little. I always hated Velvet Underground as a kid, it scared me, "No, her record player is quiet. Even the TV in the living room is quiet in the dark."

"Can I go tell Daddy to turn the TV off?"

"Randy, listen to the story. Shhhh... Only the wind whispers outside the window. Shirts on the clothesline swing sleepily in the wind in the dark."

"We can't dry our shirts outside today, too cold!"

"The moon in the sky rides slowly in the dark. The houses stand with shades drawn, like closed eyes in the dark. Birds sleep, squirrels sleep in the dark."

"Night-night, aminals."

"The swings in the park are empty in the dark, nobody slides down the slide in the dark." Actually, this is Denton, so that isn't totally true. Magenta yawns and Randall's eyes start closing. My kids are too cute. "But on the street outside the park, a policeman walks slowly, a tall policeman, making sure everything's alright in the dark. And on the next street on a chair tipped back against the wall, a fireman sits by the firehouse. He sits listening for the fire bell. He'll make sure that everything's alright if there is a fire in the dark."

"Is there going to be a fire, Mommy?"

"No, honey, I wouldn't let that happen. Traffic lights flash through the dark, red, green, red, green, all night long."

"In the dark."

"Not on that page, baby girl. And on the highway, Whisshh, come the big trucks, the big trucks bringing foor to the city all night long, in the dark."

"Vvvvrrrrrmmmm..."

"An airplane, high in the dark sky, makes a long, drawn-out faraway sound."

"There's no 'in the dark' there either, right?"

"You got it. A cleaning truck comes slowly down the street, spraying water and slowly sweeping, Swisssshhhh, go the big round brushes, swisssshhhh, swisssshhhh, in the dark." I pick the kids up and put them in their little bunk bed, I give Magenta Tingy and her stuffed bunny Lavendine, Randall covers his eyes with his stuffed dog, Shreddie. I dim the lights a little and put the book down, I memorized this part, "Shhhh, Big Sister is sleeping. Mama is sleeping, Daddy is sleeping- In their room in the dark."

"Are you going night-night now, Mommy?"

"I'm gonna finish the story first, and you too, in your bed, lying in your soft warm blanket, you sleep too- Shhh, Shhh... in the dark. Goodnight, Randy."

"Night-night, Mommy."

"Goodnight, Magenta."

"I love you, Mommy."

"I love you guys, too, it's time for bye-byes now. It's been a great day, thanks a heap."

"Now it's time for everyone to go to sleep." I turn the lights off and leave the door open a little bit so the hall light comes into the room, it's been a great day, but now it's time for everyone to go to sleep.


	13. Winter Fun the cone strikes back!

**School Days.**

**Winter Fun.**

* * *

Azisiekah's POV. Sometime in February

Let me get one thing straight. Winter is not fun at all. Maybe it is when you're in second grade, but when you're a college graduate forced to put up with noisy, creepy, insane children all day, their winter fun turns into your dark disturbing nightmares of Janet ripping your mouth out or the triplets wielding a blowtorch. Two things that could easily happen if I deprive these kids of the proper, frostbitten, freezing-cold, painfully frigid, fluffy white fun in the snow. Which is exactly what I'm avoiding. I spent Christmas in Trinidad with my grandparents. Then, I came back to Denton to turn into a living popsicle. When the kids asked if I had enjoyed my vacation in Alaska (a rumour which has Francois Noland Furter written all over it.), I dealt with it the mature way and asked for that child's homework. If there's one good way to handle things as a teacher, it's asking for homework.

I get into class today to find the kids sitting quietly at their desks. A huge change.

"Good morning kids."

"HI BIATCH!" screams Eddie from the back of the class, "I LIKE SNOW!" I let the language slide due to the fact that I'd rather be forced to frolic out in the fluffy white hell than stay inside at every recess with Eddie in detention. Janet starts to unload her backpack onto her desk,

"Wanna see what I getted for Christmas?"

"Well, Janet we were about to-"

"Okay, this is my kitty," Janet pulls out a Fur Real Friend with a little tutu on, "I named her Bunny-Lee Fletcher."

"Um... wow?" Magenta takes a doll out of her bag, dolls creep the bejesus out of me...

"This is Darlene. My grandma gaved me her." Something tells me I'm not going to get to teaching today...

* * *

I take the kids out for an extended Gym class in the park. About five minutes into frolicking, Magenta comes over and starts complaining.

"Miss Collins, my foots hurt!"

"You're not wearing boots, I asked you if you wanted to put your boots on but you said no."

"'Cause I would be squished. My boots are too little." Magenta looks down at her Mary Janes. Her socks are wet. "My mommy buyed me new ones and told me to give my others ones to my baby cousin who's getting borned in March, but I forgetted and now my boots are at work with my Mommy."

"Okay, honey, how 'bout I call your mommy and she can drop your boots off, your mommy works down the street, so it won't take very long. Does that sound good?" Everyone works 'down the street' in Denton!

"Yep!" I take out my phone and call London, she arrives in less than two minutes, gives Magenta her boots and the kid runs away to frolic. I have nothing to do but collapse back into a snowbank. Frank whips out his phone and calls 911.

"FRANK, I'M FINE, DON'T CALL THAT NUMBER!"

"But you're on the floor... And somebody answered, I can't just hang up, that's rude!"

"Givvit to me." I take the phone away and hang up,

"HEY! YOU WERE SPOSTA TEACH ME MANNERS! THAT WAS RUDE, NOW I'M GONNA DO IT! YOU'RE SPOSTA EDU-MA-CATE THE FUTURE OF TOMORROW AND... YOU'RE BEING RUDE TO THE 911 INVISIBLE VOICE!"

"Okay... fine. I'm a failure, you can pinch me."

"Thank you!" Frank comes over and pinches my knee, it's not like it hurts, the kid's wearing mittens.

* * *

I'm babysitting Frank and his sister again tonight. And from my experience, I know that I should probably bring a life raft, the manual Lavender gave me and whatever else would possibly protect me from whatever they let lose on me.

I knock on the door and see two big-ass green eyes peeping out the mail slot, assuming it's Frank I say,

"Hi, Frank."

"Me no Fwank, me Nut-Ball! Fwank my bwudda! Siwwy Ziz-kah!" The door opens and the baby is standing in the hallway, Lavender comes over,

"Hello, Azisiekah! Welcome to my home! Frankie, get in here, non-fat-naturally-flavoured-cupcake-bun!" Frank comes down the hall in a carrot costume. That's when I realize that Joanne is dressed up as a rabbit.

"I'm a veggie."

"I'z wabbit! HOP HOP HOP!" Joanne jumps down the hallway and Lavender drags me into the living room, Joanne is watching _The Babysitter's Club_ in an orange bean bag chair and eating beans on toast, "My snack match da chay-or, Ziz-kah!" I never thought I'd say this but this kid is adorable.

"Okey-dokey, giblets! Mommy's going bye-bye now! Kissies, Frankie, kissies, Joanne. Okay, I love you! Bye-Bye!" Lavender runs out the door and into the car.

* * *

At about 5:30, I sit the kids on the couch,

"Okay, kids, your mom said no running and jumping and you have broken every single one of those rules, so sit down and let's read a book."

"I WANT GREAT EGGS AND HAM!"

"NUT-BALL, TOO! ME LIKES GEEN UGGS AND HAMMIES!"

"Okay." I get the book out and when I get to the part about not liking green eggs and ham, Frank turns red,

"Fwank peenk cawwot."

"Frank, are you okay?"

"DID YOU TRY THE EGGS?"

"What?"

"DID YOU TRY GREEN EGGS AND HAM?"

"They don't exist, okay?"

"YOU HAFTA TRY NEW FOODS!" Frank starts punching me until I grab the tape and tape his hands together, Joanne starts to laugh like a nut and Frank sits down so I can finish the story.

...

I spend the rest of the night watching _Rio_ with the kids and eating non-fat, non-salt, naturally-flavoured (and still sticky) ketchup chips in the living room. Joanne is passed out across my lap and Frank is half-awake with the weiner dog, Dog, and the morbidly fluffy cat, Cat under each of his arms like little fluffy armrests on a chair, Cat on the left, Dog on the right. Joanne sneezes and I almost have a heart attack. Frank shoves the dog and cat away and licks the TV screen,

"Frank, the TV is dirty, no licking."

"You're a silly head!" Frank licks the TV again, leaving a long trail of disgusting-ness on the screen, where a blue parrot is casually teaching the other one how to fly, not the best movie ever, but a lot better than _The Babysitter's Club._

"Frank, it's almost time to put the baby to bed, do you want to come read stories with us?"

"Check the manual." I open the manual to the chapter on _The Intricacies of Sleepy-time and Beddy-Bye. _

_My children are extremely evolved in the world of their nocturnal companionship and their bedtime regimen. Miss Joanne will not go to sleep unless she is accompanied by her stuffed pineapple, Angela, and a nice long bedtime story, it is preffered that you not read to the little ones before bedtime or it will throw their entire schedule off and they will be up all night._

_Joanne's favourite story is called Jaqueline And The DDT-free Apple Tree, in which a happy young girl named Jaqueline grows a very tall DDT-free apple tree, without the help of dangerous chemicals and evil things like that, fun and hilarity ensue as Jaqueline learns about moderation, meets the Apple Giant, and learns why it's always good to wear kneepads and a helmet while playing hopscotch, especially on grass, she cannot have anyone else in her room while being put down, she says that 'Frank is creepy at night-time' and will not have anything to do with him, as you know, keep all the lights on. Frank however, prefers the book, Danny The Blue Jay Wears A Skirt. A lovely story about cross-dressing and birds, Frank likes to read the last word on every page all by himself. And as he is falling asleep, remember to leave the lights on and make as much noise as possible downstairs because Frank is terrified of silence. Alexis and I usually watch TV full blast, but only G-rated movies, I recommend Just Go With It, because 'Jen Aniston rocks my world', as my son would say._

"This is insane." I grumble to myself as Frank draws a smiley face on the TV screen, Joanne squeaks and stretches like a cat, I start to carry her upstairs and Frank follows me. I put Joanne in her crib and as soon as I leave the room I hear a loud whine of, 'STOWEE?'.

"Oh."

"My." says Frank.

"God."

"Ziz-kah, weed stowee."

"Don't go back in there." Frank warns, "She'll never let you out."

"Okay, so, we'll just walk downstairs _very quietly_."

"Okay. One, two thr-" Joanne hollers,

"ZIZ-KAH, I NOT SWEEPY-UH!"

"GO TO SLEEP, NUTTY-NUT BALL!"

"Frank, let's go downstairs."

"TOO DAWK, ZIZ-KAH!" All the lights are still on, so I tape a flashlight on a string to the ceiling and hang it over her bed. She finally passes out.

* * *

After Frank goes to sleep, I go downstairs and turn on Just Go With It, i'm halfway through the movie when I hear a loud crash from upstairs and some screaming, I run up the stairs to find Joanne hanging, by her left foot, from the ceiling fan, in Frank's room, Frank is swatting at her with a teeny-ass rake.

"WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING?"

"HAVING FUN!" Frank jumps off the bed, "YOU'RE WATCHING A IN-PRA-POPE-A-RIT MOVIE!"

"It was in the manual."

"I typed that part!"

"What? Are you telling me that you can type like your mother, a grown woman with a university education in pediatric dermatology, and you haven't skipped any grades, when Magenta, the girl who can walk into walls and NOT know what happened, skipped two grades, are you saying you're... _smart?_" The word is like slime in my mouth.

"I have a present! **(gift)** My Mommy said I'm a very bright little nnnnnnnugget."

"Little nugget is right." I pick up the phone and call Lavender, when she picks up, I can hear loud music and screaming children,

"Azisiekah? Is that you?"

"Yes, it is, um, Lavender, do you know what Frank just told me?"

"Well, you ain't told me yet, but first thing's first, I'm at London's. Her kids made a club in the basement and they tied me up, and they keep on blasting Justin Bieber, it's driving me insane."

"Well, Frank said he typed-" Lavender hangs up, and I notice that Frank has pulled the batteries out of my phone. "YOU LITTLE..._NUGGET_."

"Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnugget!"

"Antidisestablishmentarianism." says Magenta's voice on the other end of my phone,

"AAH! HOW'D YOU PUT THE BATTERIES IN SO FAST!"

"I have a present. NUGGET!"

"Is anyone gonna talk to me on this thing?"

"Hi, Magenta."

"Teacher?"

"GENTA!"

"Hi, Joanne..." Joanne runs away down the hall and Frank picks up the phone and starts babbling away. I let him take the phone to bed. Bad idea? You betcha. I can hear the little brats bickering _on speaker _until Frank hangs up and _tosses the phone across the room._ I pick it up before the brat can cause any more damage.

* * *

Thank God Joanne eventually passed out. Lavender gets home at about 12:00 am. Something I was hoping to avoid. The second she opens the door, the kids wake up and run downstairs.

"MOMMY! WE HAVED SO MUCH FUN! WE TALKED ON THE PHONE, AND WATCHED MOVIES! AND EATED JUNK FOOD!"

"What? Did you just say... _junk food_?"

"Yep! Raisins! LOTS AND LOTS OF RAISINS! A WHOLE BIG TRUCK OF RAISINS! I WAS JUMPING OFF THE ROOF!"

"It's 'bouncing off the walls', Frank."

"Who cares? You're just the babysitter..."

"Azisiekah, you seem to have forgotten the policy on junk food."

"I didn't know raisins were considered junk food... I thought you meant chips and candy and chocolate and stuff."

"The 'And Stuff' is raisins! They aren't real fruit! They're _dried_ fruit!"

"I didn't know raisins were included..."

"Well, I should have made myself clearer. I'm sorry, dear." WHY COULDN'T YOU JUST FIRE ME? "Now, it's time for two little kidlets to be skipping away to Dreamland." The kids stay still, "Alright, kididdles, MARCH!" The kids run up the stairs and Lavender starts to shuffle through her wallet, she pulls out 25 dollars. "Here you go, dear."

"Thanks. Lavender."

"SAY HELLO TO YOUR DOGGIES FOR ME!"

* * *

I get into the class the next day. It's snowing like a nut. The kids come in about five minutes later, and OH CRAP...

Frank's wearing another cone.

All the kids are dropping things in.

I run to the front of the class and smack a ruler against my desk. And I mean hard.

"ALRIGHT KIDS, SETTLE DOWN!" The kids sit down quickly and Frank dumps a whole load of crayons out of the cone. "Okay, look, if you kids are gonna keep dropping things in Frank's cone, I'm gonna make you _all_ wear cones!"

...

Two minutes later, the kids are all wearing their cones. It's not until I take them out to play that I realize that this was a terrible idea. It's snowing, the kids are frolicking and skipping and walloping each other with frozen sticks, then I realize that I can't see Columbia's head. Then the truth dawns on me.

I've got seven little snow-cones here.

Frank stumbles over to me in his pink fluffy snow boots,

"MMM-MMM-MMM-MMMMMMMMMM!"

"Just blow, Frank, blow."

"MEEEEEEEEEEEE-MMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-"

I try to round the kids up into a line and drag them back to the school, the only kid who doesn't have a cone-full is Brad. He comes over to me dragging Magenta by the hand,

"Where's all the snow in your cone, Brad?

"I drinked it!"

"Of course you did." Just my luck, Principal Ratishki comes into the room and picks Magenta up, did I mention she and Janet had a juice box fight?

"Sup, Collins? Ooh, snow-cone! Don't mind if I do!"

"DON'T EAT ME I HAVE ECZEMA!"

"The giant snow-cone with a skirt can talk?"

"One of my students is in there."

"Which one? Was it... Pickles?"

"Who the heck is Pickles?" Patricia raises her hand,

"ME! I like pickles."

"WELL, COLLINS, WHO AM I EATING!"

"ME! PUT ME DOWN!" Magenta starts freaking out.

"Oh, Puce. Well, you taste delicious."


	14. Party Time

**School Days. A Rocky Horror fanfic.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Rocky Horror. Or a second grade class. this fic is set in 2010. Brad lets his thoughts wander a LOT... Just to tell you... COLUMBIA'S POV! March 30th. It actually is on a Friday this year! YAY ACCURACY! but all the School Days kids (with the exception of Brad and Columbia) have the same birthdays as people I know, in fact, I share my birthday with Magenta and Lavender. Azisiekah has the same birthday as my brother.**

* * *

Columbia's POV.

It's Friday. That means Frank's sleepover is today. He invited everyone in the class except the triplets because they're going camping... They aren't good for anything but camping. So the party's gonna start in a hour so I gotsta get ready.

...!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!...

So we're all in the basement right now. It's fun down there. But Frank's mommy says we can't touch the power tools outside. Frank and Brad are playing Wii Sports. I'm glad there's no wrestling, so Brad doesn't have to go to intensive therapy... So then Frank says,

"Me and Brad are done, wanna go see something cool?" He goes into the bathroom and gets a 'lectric razor. He plugs it in.

"HEY LOOK! ITSA PLANE! UH OH, TURBULENCE TURBULENCE! LOOK OUT RANDALL, IT'S GOING STRAIGHT FOR YOUR-" Too late. The 'lectric razor just shaved the top of Randall's head. Right in the middle. Randall goes crazy.

"NYAR!" He jumps at Frank. "IMMA EAT YOUR ASS!" Janet jumps up and pokes her nose,

"BAD WORD BAD WORD, RANDALL SAID A BAD WORD!"

"Aw, screw off Janet." says Magenta. She hits her on the head with a big pillow. Probably for her hair.

"BUM-HOLE! um... uh... FATTY!" says Janet.

"SLUTTY SLUT SLUT, BEEEEE-YAWTCH!" Screams Brad. Kicking Magenta in her behind. I'm not allowed to say that word at home. Behind behind behind.

"WHAT A BUNCH OFF ASSES!" says Frank.

"SHUT THE FUDGE UP, TRANNY!" Says Eddie. "HEY RANDALL, YOU'RE HEAD LOOKS LIKE SOMEBODY'S ASS CHEEKS NOW CUZ IT DUDDN'T HAVE NONE HAIR!"

"NYAR!"

"THAT AIN'T EVEN A FRICKIN WORD!" A dog trips Eddie. It's a wiener dog. It has a fat tummy.

"This is my hot dog dog, Dog.."

"You named your dog Dog?" says Randall,

"It was either Dog or Cat, and that name already got taked. It's what I named my cat."

"Whatever, you turds." says Eddie, "What time is it." Frank can't tell time, neither can Brad, but they want to impress the girls...

"Elebenty-twelve." says Frank.

"One-dy-thirteen." says Brad.

"Four-thirty." says Magenta. She's the only one in our class who can read clocks and chapter books.

"We should be having dinner right now then..." says Frank he starts going up the stairs, just as Lavender comes down and tells us to go upstairs for dinner.

* * *

We end up having hot dogs outside on the porch. Frank's hot dog has too much mustard. It's dripping all over my leg. I have my shiny new shoes on.

"Hey, Columbia," says Janet through a mouthful of meat, "Are we having a Gal Pals meeting tonight?" **(Yes, Janet, Columbia and the triplet girls are ALL in a Gal Pals group. Janet made it so she could avoid Magenta so her 'smart-weirditude won't rub off on me and my Gal Pals.') **

"I don't know, Pat and Lisa aren't here, and Magenta might get suspishic."

"That dummy-head wouldn't know a Gal Pals meeting if it shaved her head. And anyone would notice with that cloud hair."

"Okay, Frank's room, 11:30, be there."

"Alright."

"I HEARD MY NAME." says Frank, a piece of bun falls onto my new shoe.

"FRANK, YOU POO-HEAD!" I screech at his head.

* * *

**Lavender's POV!**

"Get me out of here, These children are deranged!" I scream into the phone at my husband, Alexis, as Magenta and Brad tear through the house, unrolling brand new rolls of my special toilet paper, going through them like Eddie when he tore through the eight cupcakes he found in the freezer.

"It's alright, My little Ashton sandwich. You'll survive, and you've got Jo-Jo, Doggilicious and Catitude to stick it out with."

"YOU TELL THOSE PEOPLE IN ALASKA TO LET YOU LEAVE AND COME RESCUE ME FROM THESE LITTLE HORNETS! THEY'RE GIVING FRANKIE THEIR HORRIBLE DISEASES! YOU KNOW HOW THAT KID REACTS TO PEPTO-BISMOL!"

"I wish I didn't..."

"THAT COLUMBIA GIRL HAS A PITCH PROBLEM, and Edna Scott's boy eats everything, I didn't know the McAllistor kids forgot how to act here, Randall is on the ceiling fan, and Magenta put yogurt in the bed! She put vanilla yogurt in my sheets! Is it the sugar, Tylenol-Wipe?"

"Yes, Lettuce-Worm, it's the sugar."

"I'll see you tomorrow."

"Bye-bye, my little Spice-Melon." I hang up the phone to see Magenta shutting herself into a cabinet. I want to scream.

* * *

**Brad's POV.**

I didn't know Frank's birthday party was gonna be so fun. Next Janna-rary I'm having a party like this. I thought it was just gonna be regular-fun, not extra-fun. But it's actually extra-fun. Magenta's birthday is gonna be next month, and she says she's inviting everyone in the class, but maybe not the triplets, because they go to third grade birthday parties and that's it. And third grade parties are in the forest. It's a boy-girl sleepover, so we're all gonna sleep here and go home tomorrow, My mommy gotted angry when she heared that Frank was having a boy-girl sleepover, but I saided I had to go because Janet was going to be there. So my mommy letted me go. My mommy thinks I like Janet, I like Magenta. And Janet likes me and Frank. And Magenta likes Justin Bieber. I hate Justin Bieber. Frank likes Patricia and Janet and me. Randall likes Lisa, Lisa likes me, Columbia likes Frank and Eddie, Eddie likes Frank and Columbia, Brian likes Randall and Magenta. Patricia likes Justin Bieber and Randall. Ms Collins likes her new boyfriend, Jerry, Jerry likes Ms Collins, my brother Jonathan likes Misty from Pokemon, my other brother, Steve likes the new weather girl, Suzie-Ann, my mommy likes my daddy and my daddy likes my mommy. And I like Magenta.

* * *

When it's time to go to bed, I brush my teeth real hard. Randall put a egg in Eddie's sleeping bag and he sitted on it. But it didn't break, Randall said it was hard-boiled. But now Eddie smells like a egg. The girls are all in a bunch across the room and I'm gonna put my sleeping bag under the computer desk so I can have a little roof. Frank said since he lives here he can sleep on the basement couch but it isn't very comfy and it has a lot of bumps that feel like potatoes so I don't care. Eddie and Randall are sleeping on a big pile of pillows and the girls are all in a bunch next to the TV. So they can watch the movie all close-like. We're going to watch a movie tonight. Frank said we're going to watch Ferris Bueller's Day Off. I like that movie. My mommy let me see it when I was at my cottage with my cousins and my brothers and lots of other people in my family. They never shut their big fat mouths. Janet says she's going to plug in her big bright nightlight that her mommy getted in Japan. Sushi is from Japan. I wonder if the night-light came in a Bento box... If Janet talks Japanese, maybe I would like her. Magenta doesn't talk Japanese, but she talks English, and I can only talk American. My daddy has a Gamecube.

* * *

When Lavender brings the popcorn and chippies downstairs, Eddie eats half of each bowl and then goes into the bathroom to barf up all the food. Janet and Columbia are acting funny, they're whispering in each other's ears, whispering's rude. I think they're talking about somebody in the class because they keep looking at me and Magenta, that's gossip! Nice girls don't gossip, I guess Magenta is a _really_ nice girl because they aren't talking to her so she doesn't have anybody to gossip with. So I go over to her and say,

"Magenta, why are you all alone over here?"

"Because my best friend hates me."

"You mean Columbia?" Magenta nods,

"I don't like Columbia anymore, she likes Janet now, not me..."

"I like you..."

"Brad..."

"Yeah?"

"Can you come with me to the bathroom, I have to go dry my tears..."

...

I didn't know Columbia and Janet were so mean, they're going to go up to Frank's room when it gets really late and gossip about Magenta and everyone else in the class, I don't like it. I wonder what they're saying about me... Magenta doesn't want to sleep next to the TV with all the other girls now, so I think I'm going to let her come under the desk with me, and share my little roof.

* * *

Magenta's POV... With references to Shock Treatment and use of the word 'bitted'. (As in the past-tense of bite.)

I hate the other girls, they make me want to be friends with the triplet girls, and those girls are weird. I like Brad, he's nice, I think he's my new best friend, if Columbia is gonna be a meanie. I think Brad likes me, because he keeps touching my hair and hugging me and stuff, he's nice, nobody likes me because my ex-boyfriend who's in the third grade, Cosmo, got his hand stuck in my hair once and the school nurse had to cut him out. Then his sister, Nation, punched me in the head, and my mommy and her mommy getted in a big-assical fight, but my mommy winned because Cosmo and Nation started freaking out, and Randall started biting things, like I did when my baby teeth were growing when I was a new baby, when Randall was a new baby, he bitted _people_ and maked them bleed, my grandma still has a scar! But Cosmo was my boyfriend after that until I broked up with him because he sticked me with a teeth-picker, My mommy says I can't have a boyfriend until I'm a old teenager, which means I have to be 10 because that number has two numbers in it. It's like Zero-teen. When my mommy was a old teenager in high school she haved a boyfriend, but she breaked up with him, but she friended him on Facebook, and he comes over sometimes, that makes my daddy mad. He says 'London, If you're having an affair behind my back, just admit it, I forgive you in advance'! My mommy is 25 years old, and my daddy is 27 years old. But if me and Brad get married and make new babies, he's gonna be 27 and I'm gonna be 25. Because I'm 5 right now, and Brad's 7. So in 25 years we're gonna get married and make new babies. My mommy says I'm smart, but then Randall asked why he didn't skip any grades, because he isn't smart like me, but my mommy telled a fib, and she saided that me and Randall are smart in different ways. When I'm a mommy, I'm not gonna lie, I'm also gonna be a good mommy and let my babies eat candy and stay up as late as they want, and I'll also let them not do homework, and talk back, and punch their brother, and bite their sister! But I can't have new babies until I'm at least 19, that's what my mommy saided, but I have a doll named Darlene, so I can practice, but dolls can't eat food and go to school. I'm not allowed to bring my doll to sleepovers, because she's really old and she costed my grandma more than 100 bucks, but I'm allowed to bring my bunny, her name is Lavendine. Like Frank's mommy, she gived me brownies, but they had string beans in them, so I don't eat the food at Frank's house anymore. When I was at Frank's house, his sister bitted my arm, but she's a new baby, so she doesn't have no teeth.

"Magenta..." Frank comes up behind me, "Do you have a retainer?"

"No."

"Oh, that's okay, I have one." Frank opens up his mouth and takes out a cucumber slice, So Janet comes over and takes it away,

"Frank, this _isn't _a retainer, it's a cucumber slice..." So I go and scream in her face,

"NOOOOO!" My mommy teached how to be sarcastic.

"WHY?" screeches Janet. She's annoying.

* * *

Janet's POV,

Magenta and Brad are doing something weird behind my back, and I like to know everything... I'm going to have to dig deep into this mystery if I want to keep my Tickleberry-Bradmuffin... I already solved a mystery, it was the mystery of the noise under my desk, turns out if was just Eddie making weird squeaking mouse noises with his head under there... My mommy says I should be a detective when I grow up. But I want to be a mommy when I grow up, so I should probably get my act together and get working so I can go to high school and get a degree in mommyism, but for now I have to focus on getting my Ticklewickle-Spluffincorn back...

.!.!.!.!

I'm going undercover, I put one of Frank's home phones under the computer desk, and me and Columbia will be patiently waiting, listening to everything they say! Problem is, the phone bill... I'm gonna got get the phone and use a can on a string instead... I want to hear everything...

I go downstairs to look for clues, like on Blues Clues! Magenta is kind of a 'female dog', so... anyway, I go over to Frank's sleeping bag to look for clues, and find Randall and Eddie throwing magnetic darts at the TV, looks fun... I go over to investigate and guess who comes over, Little Miss I-skipped-two-grades-so-I'm-better-than-you! Little Miss Creeper-head, Little Miss-Cheesy-Vomit, Little Miss Puffy-hair, Little Miss Brad's-Love-Muffin-instead-of-me, Little Miss Eating-a-cookie-over-there-with-my-Snuggle-pop. MAGENTA.

"What do you want?"

"I want to tell you you're mean and Brad is _mine_." She's so silly. Brad's actually mine,

"I'm gonna take a chunk out of you."

"See if I care!" We start to get into a fight, Brad comes over and he's like,

"GIRLS, GIRLS, WE DON'T HAVE TO FIGHT OVER ME!" Magenta grabs him and drags him into our kicking and screaming pile, Frank's filming us on his phone. His mother is inappropriate to let him have a phone like that because it takes videos and videos are bad for your ears and your teeth. I'm allowed to watch 2 and a half hours of television each week, and one movie on the weekend. My parents are appropriate. That's when Columbia loses it,

"I THINK Y'ALL ARE A BUNCH OF POOPY-HEADS AND I HATE YOU!" She runs away, Eddie runs after her,

"Nice." says Magenta, she's a little brat, "You just ruined her life."

"It's not my fault, it's your fault. You tried to rip my ear off!"

"Because you bitted my knee!" We start to screech at each other until Brad takes off his shirt and starts to scream louder than us,

"IMMA FRUBBIN' REBEL!"

"Don't imply rudeness." Cat comes over and sits on Frank's foot,

"Hey get off! You Fenile Terror!"

"You mean _feline_?"

"You're a placenta, Magenta."

I agree, "Yeah!"

"Can it, Janet." I will do no such thing!

"Don't call Magenta a placenta."

"You make me mad, Brad."

"You deserve a spank, Frank!"

"Randy tastes like candy!"

"No he doesn't." says Eddie,

"YES I DO! GO TO BEDDY, EDDIE!"

"What rhymes with my name?" says Columbia, coming out of the bathroom,

"Nothing." we all say. She runs back into the bathroom again. Brad hits Frank on the buns, I'm not allowed to say that at home, even when I'm talking about dinner rolls or bread or stuff like that.

"NOT MY BUNS!" says Frank, he starts tossing chips at Brad's head, Brad starts to throw popcorn,

"FOOD FIGHT!" we start to toss popcorn around until it's time to go to sleep. I was tired anyway. And I like brushing my teethy-pegs.

...

Magenta's POV.

Me and Brad are sleeping in our bags under the desk when there's a scary sound from the other side of the room where Eddie and Randall are sleeping. Janet wakes up across the room. She doesn't need beauty sleep because she's not beautiful anyway because Brad likes me better.

"What was that bang?"

"I don't know. Imma go inves- a-vesta...-inv- Imma go look around!" I hear somebody thumping around, and then a loud screech. It's Randall. And he never screeches. We all lay down on the ground and wait for someone to come out.

THEN A PERSON COMES OUT!

* * *

Lavender's POV.

The kids are completely flipping out.

I turn on the light and they splat down on their sleeping bags,

"HEY, YOU SCARED ME!"

"YEAH ME TOO!"

"WHAT KIND OF A MOMMY ARE YOU?"

* * *

Brad's POV.

Frank's mommy is totally nuts. She's like a squirrel, my mommy said squirrels are nuts because they like to eat nuts and you are what you eat, so I don't eat junk food...

She turns on the light and we all splat down on our sleeping bags. My sleeping bag can fit a whole person inside and still have room for somebody else, I would know, Magenta and me eated Cheez Curlz in there when we were watching the movie.

Frank's mommy gets up on the couch where Frank is supposed to be, but he's sleeping on top of the TV.

"WHAT IS THIS RUCKUS?"

"Whatsa ruckus?" says Columbia,

"I was just in the bathroom and I heard a rrrruckus!" We're all quiet except Janet because she's eating chippies with her mouth open. "Listen, you kids, I don't wanna hear one teensy-weensy PEEP outta y'all, do you understand me?" Lavender goes down the hall and turns the light off. We start to all fall asleeping until somebody goes 'peep'.

"Peep."

"Peeeep."

"peep..." That was a Magenta peep. She has a cute peep.

"Peep!" I say peep too. If I peep, she'll know we belong together...

"Peep."

"peep!"

"PEEP"

"PEEEEEEP"

"PEEP PEEP PEEP PEEP PEEP P-PEEP PEEP!"

"PEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP PEEPITY PEEP-PEEP-P-PEEP!"

"PEEP PEEP PEEP!"

"PEEEP PEEP PEEEP PPEEPITYPEEPITY!"

"PEEP"

"PEEP"

"PEEP"

"PEEEPP!"

The light goes on again.

Wowie-wow-wow, it's Lavender!

"SILEEEENNNNCE!" she screams real scary. She leaves and turns the light off.

"peep."

* * *

We're all quiet for a few hours until Frank gets up and turns the lights on real quiet-like.

"Okay, here's what we're gonna do, follow me." We all get out of our sleeping bags. Magenta doesn't want to walk so I carry her there. Janet doesn't like that.

We follow Frank down the hall to the guest room. It's right in-betweenst the bathroom and Lavender's room. Her nose is making a funny sound like, 'KEEEEURRRCCCCHHHH'.

It doesn't sound attractive.

Frank opens the guest room door. There's a ginormous bed in there. It's big and yellow with a whole bunch of big ploufy yellow pillows that have pink-and-red strippy-stripes on them. Under the big ploufy yellow strippy-stripe pillows are a bunch of big huge round fat-ass pillows that are white and huge and even more biggerer. They look fun to play with.

Frank hops up on the bed and looks at all of us, Lavender makes a nutty-ass sound in the next room and Janet hides in the closet. I would do that to, because that noise was just frubbin' terror-fying.

"Wanna bounce?" says Frank, "Wanna really **_REALLY_** bounce?"

Everyone gets up on the bed, except me, so I put Magenta down on the couch. She's too little to bounce serious. I get up on the bed and bounce a little bit. Columbia gets a funny look on her face, like she smelled Frank's baby sister.

"My mommy said I'm not allowed to jump. She said, 'Collie, chicklet, here are some rules for your party with all your little friends, no running, _no jumping_, no fighting, no biting, no licking, no screaming, you can't bring your tap shoes because they'll destroy Lavender's pretty hardwood floors, and most of all, NO RIDING THE WEINER DOG!'."

"This isn't jumping." says Frank, "It's _bouncing_, there's a _big_ difference. There's no crime in giving yourself over to bouncy-ness."

"Well, if it's legal..." Columbia starts to bounce like a nut, she must eat a whole lot of pecans at her house... Randall and Eddie start to bounce more, then Janet, then me. Frank picks up one of the pillows,

"PUFFY FIGHT!"

"YAY! MARSHMALLOWSES!" Frank and Randall start whacking each other with the pillows, then Janet gets in the middle of it, and Eddie and Columbia, I get off the bed and wake Magenta up, she comes over but doesn't get on the bed. That's really cute. I love when girls are cute. I also love lollipops.

Just as I'm smacking Eddie in the head with one of the yellow pillows, there's a giant _**POP**_ on the other side of the bed. I look over and Randall standing there with a pillow, all the puffy feathers are fluffing everywhere and the pillow is kind of just hanging all skinny-like. Randall says the word of 'crap'.

"SNOW!" screams Columbia, we all start jumping up and down and all around, I make a bunch of feathers into a ball and throw it at Janet's head, she throws one back, we all start bouncing around and screaming until the door opens up, Magenta goes under the bed, and Lavender hops into the room,

"HA! I DONE CAUGHTCHA! YOU KIDS MARCH YOUR LITTLE BUNS- what happened to my pillows? My expensive pillows... imported from... Trans- oh right... you kids, just- , JUST GO DOWNSTAIRS! DOWNSTAIRS! NOW! OR I'LL BAKE YOU INTO LITTLE... PIES! AND EAT YOU! ESPECIALLY YOU, EDDIE! YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'D MAKE A DELICIOUS PIE!"

We all make a line and leave the room, Magenta is still in there. I should probably go back there later. Actually, I'm going now. I get out of the line when Lavender is going back to her room to make more freaky sounds, I open the door and go under the bed, it's really really clean under there, my bed has a bunch of dusty bunnies under it. Magenta is under there, she looks at me and smiles a little titch,

"Hi Brad."

"You look pretty."

"What?"

"Nothing."

* * *

Me and Magenta go back downstairs a few minutes later. Frank is waiting and he looks pissed.

"Where. Have. You. Been." he says real mommy-ish. "You scared the living CLOUD MIX outta me, little mister! YOU COULD HAVE BEEN CAPTURED BY A HOARDE OF HUNGARIAN BARBARIANS!"

"What?"

"Nothing, my daddy said that when I hided under the stairs for more than five minutes."

...

Most of us are asleep after an hour. But not me. I'm cool like that. Since nobody else can hear me, I start rapping because I'm really good and nobody can hear me cause they're all asleeping.

"This one is for the boys with the boomin' system, top-down AC with the coolin' system, when he come up in the club he be blazin' up, got stacks on deck like he savin' up, and he... frub, I can't remember... BLEE-BLA GOT MY HEARTBEAT RUNNIN' AWAY, BLEE-BLA BLEE-BA PEARS GOT A CAT IN THE BASKET, OH IT BE LIKE BOOM-BA-BLEE-BLA BOOM-BA-BLEE-BLA BASS, GOT DAT SUPER BASS-"

Somebody stands up across the room, it's Mage- oh crap.

"Are you sick? I heard you coughing a whole bunch over there."

"Why aren't you... um... over here in the computer desk?"

"We were being inpa-pro-pro."

* * *

We wake up in the morning and go into the kitchen for breakfast. Lavender has a blanket on the floor with a bunch of food on it. Which is cool. That means we get to eat with the doggy.


	15. You're such an April Fool!

**School Days. A Rocky Horror fanfic.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Rocky Horror. Or a second grade class. this fic is set in 2011.**

**Sometime in April. You're such an April fool! Azisiekah's POV.**

* * *

My life is a swirling vortex of horror. I'm a teacher, so you can see where I'm coming from with this one.

I wake up pretty early on the morning of the twentieth, Jerry has taken the dogs to the vet to get checked for canine polio and I have to go to work early for a staff meeting. How damn fun. I get into the car and start it.

As I'm pulling out of the parking lot, a kid with disgusting-ass acne runs over. He's really pasty and he has blonde dreads-

Oh crap.

It's JJ.

Jason Justin Jocelyn Jr. is the Denton Towers doorman (yes, I live in a building called Denton Towers, it's not my fault, maybe you should complain to the Bureau of Stupid, Cheesy Apartment Building Names.) He's been hot for me since I moved in two years ago. He's also an insane pervert.

I get out of the car,

"Hey, Azisiekah, what's got you up so early? I didn't know you had a job."

"I AM A TEACHER!"

"Whoa, you don't gotsta spazz on me!"

"Go away." I get back into my car.

* * *

Once I get into class, the kids are all reading. Voluntarily. Something's wrong...

"Hi, class."

"Good morning, Miss Collins." they all singsong. That's when I realize something's _very_ wrong.

Magenta is wearing a tube top, Randall has glasses on and Frank is a girl. A very tall Asian girl. Everybody's voice is deeper. And seriously, Janet is reading The Hunger Games.

The kids put their books down. Behind the books are a bunch of high school students counting money.

"You're not-"

"We know." says 'Columbia'. "Your kids paid us! Well, in play money and pieces of paper that say 'MUNNEE'. That kind of sucks, but we're missing Algebra." The high schoolers stand up and cheer.

"Where are they?"

"Second floor, girls bathroom." says 'Lisa'.

"All of them?"

"From the creepy blonde kid to the fat-ass with baby acne."

"Do you mean _Randall_ and _Eddie_?"

"Yeah, sure, them too."

I start down the hall to the washroom. Janet is standing in the doorway with a clipboard.

"Janet, I need to come in." she glances suspiciously at the clipboard and shakes her head,

"You're not on the list."

"Janet Fallon Weiss, I am your teacher! I need to be let in!"

"I'm sorry, ma'am. That would be a violation of club rules. You can wait over there with the rest of the non-listers." she points to a cluster of sad-looking teachers. I pick Janet up and move her.

The bathroom is a disaster.

About half of my class is sitting in the sink holding paper cups full of God-knows-what, Principal Ratishki is drawing a mustache on the mirror at child level and the school nurse, Nurse Coleman (formerly the principal until she was overthrown by the Ratishki family) is trying to give Brad a shot in the neck with... something... most likely something that isn't allowed on school property. And in the middle of this, Columbia. Twirling around in her sparkly clothes while Lisa shines a flashlight on her. She's the human disco ball.

And Frank is LITERALLY bouncing off the walls.

He comes over to me, he's buzzing like a wasp and smiling like a jack-o-lantern.

"MISS COLLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINS! MY MOMMA DOESN'T LET ME HAVE SUGARY HYDROGENATED BUBBLY STUFFSIES BUT IT'S SO YUMMY YUMMY YUMMY-"

"Frank, slow down, what are you drinking?"

"SPREEEEEEEEE-ITE!"

"Sprite?"

"You deaf or somethin'? I SAID SPRITE! You psycho hamster..."


End file.
